To say that I'm elated that I survived my first year of grad school doesn't even begin to describe just how happy I am! And then to think that amidst the tumultuous waves I still somehow managed to crank out a 3.89 cumulative gpa? Holy moley. Now granted, anyone who knows me knows that I am not quite satisfied with just a 3.89 but when I think back on this past year and the ups and extreme downs I've had, I'll be okay I think this time with a 3.89. :)
When this year began, I didn't know what to expect - I remember being so excited and over the moon that I was going to be a graduate student at the (one and only) Westminster Choir College! I couldn't believe it. And in fact, I honestly didn't believe that it was real until after a week of school... I was waiting for the dream to disintegrate and for me to wake up to reality! And yet, here I am. On the other side of the first year of my graduate studies!
This year literally started as if I was living in a fantasy world - what with singing in Central Park with Andrea Bocelli, Bryn Terfel, Celine Dion, the New York Philharmonic, and the like just a mere week and a half into school! Wow. In one year I have sung alongside the New York Philharmonic, the Philadelphia Orchestra, and the Berlin Philharmonic in such astonishing places such as Central Park, the Kimmel Center, and Carnegie Hall. Who gets to live a life like this?
Though alongside the triumphs there have been great devastations and a multitude of troubles as well. I literally have never lived through a more difficult year in my young life... From the housing mess and debacle I lived through at the beginning of this year, to being so deathly ill for months on end, almost being in a situation to lose my scholarship, being so run down and getting sick over and over during the beginning of the spring semester... the list goes on and on. But what I have learned isn't that this has been the year from hell... rather, it has been the year of tremendous blessing and of so much learning on my part. Learning to wait on the Lord and just learning more and more about Him and His faithfulness.
At one point during my final year at IUP, I woke up to a text before student teaching one day from my Mom that said "I found this verse and it just made me think of you! I can't imagine just how the Lord rejoices and sings over you, my darling!" And the verse she gave me is the verse that has been my strength, when I had no strength at all, this entire year. It's the verse that serves as the inspiration for this blog - and what I cling to every single day.
For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a MIGHTY Savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With His love, He will calm ALL your fears. He will REJOICE over you with JOYFUL SONGS!
- Zephaniah 3:17
What a promise! What strength for us when we feel so utterly alone... which I have felt this year. I've often found myself so discontent here, that I'm so alone, that I left my real friends in Indiana and that's where my heart is... when I was completely neglecting the best friend in the entire universe: the Lord! And what a wonderful Father He is, for He has literally been holding my hand every single step of the way...
- When I was being attacked physically and mentally in a horrid living situation my first 3 months here, the Lord was right by my side in every single moment. He got me through that time unscathed except for some emotional wreckage, and He completely seamlessly provided me with one of the best living situations I've ever had.
- When I was so deathly ill, from right after Thanksgiving until early February, He carried me through every single obstacle that stood in my way... He got me through every test, every final, every family party, every doctor appointment, all my multiple antibiotics, all of it. I would literally have not survived if it wasn't for His mighty healing! Though sometimes I still get a little wheezy here and there, I can't even believe how completely He has healed me from that awful sickness.
- I was in danger of losing my scholarship, since I was so sick I had to take an incomplete for my voice lessons first semester. Policy here is that after four weeks that "I" turns into an "F," which would get factored into my GPA. To maintain my scholarship I had to keep a 3.0 GPA, which for me should be no problem at all. In fact, if my GPA were ever to really dip that low, I would have a heart attack for sure. The night I was waiting on my grades to finalize, I had already (obviously) determined what I needed in each class to have a GPA that wouldn't disrupt my scholarship standing. I sat on my living room floor at home, almost in tears, and said to the Lord, "Okay, God... You know what I need. I know what I want, but You know what I need. I don't like New Jersey, and I really don't know how I feel about school - this semester was the worst I've ever had in my life. But Lord, if You want me to go back, I know You'll see that I won't lose my scholarship, which I fully believe was a blessing from You in the first place. I'm listening, Lord... and I'm waiting. Waiting on You, Father..." When my grades came in and the F was factored in? My GPA was 3.01. Talk about a total God thing! Every time I think about this, I still get goosebumps and am completely overwhelmed by the Holy Spirit! This is the cornerstone of the why I'm still here even when I want nothing more than to be home or in Indiana. I'm here because He has most certainly placed me here!
These few examples are just big ones among many where I have literally, without a doubt, seen and felt the Lord moving in my midst this year! Most importantly, He gave me a home in a beautiful church family that I never expected... after the housing mess, and losing the church that I was originally intending to attend in spite of it, I was afraid I'd never find a church to call my home. But oh man, what I didn't know was that I would find a church here that means as much to me as Word of Grace in Indiana! Which is more than I can put into words. My church here, my family, has been what's gotten me through the weeks when I could do nothing but cry because I didn't know what I was doing, or how I could make it through another horrific week in New Jersey... Ah! I am so blessed. So, so blessed.
More than anything, I've learned how important it is to be in constant communion with Him, and how He not only wants that but He longs to spend time with us! I've been continually reminded of this this month especially, since I've been avoiding Him. (I say that in the nicest way possible!) As many of you know, at the beginning of this month, my Grandma on my dad's side passed away after battling leukemia. I was in no way prepared for that at all - I knew to be prepared, and it wasn't just up and out of the blue. But I just - oh man. That just stopped me dead in my tracks. And with all of that to process, on top of it the mess of things with my dad showing up for the first time in a decade, just wowza - talk about some crazy need for major inner healing! And I ran. Ran as far away from God as I could, because I didn't want to deal with any of it. After the year I had barely just lived through, this was like the cherry on top of it all, and I wanted nothing more than to hide away under a rock cuddling with Mr. Pug and staying there forever. But now that I'm on the other side of it all, and it's almost the end of May, I've finally run back as fast as I can into His welcoming and open arms, wanting nothing more than to curl up with Jesus (and Mr. Pug can join too...) because He is the only one who can carry me through. As my friend once shared with me while praying for me at bible study, she said she literally sees Him carrying me over all of these waves of doubt or fear or trouble or whatever it may be, that the Lord is literally carrying me over them all, as He has done time and time again this year, and as He will continue to do so for the rest of my life because He is so good and loves me more than I will ever comprehend.
I am absolutely overwhelmed by how clearly I can see the Lord in every facet of my life through this past year... at the beginning of my last year of undergrad, I was desperate to have that relationship with Him, to hear from Him, to see Him in my everyday life, instead of just the big things - all of my friends could, why couldn't I? I would pray over and over "Lord, where are You? How can I feel You holding my hand? Hear You whispering in my ear?" And now all I can manage to do is fall to my knees and say "Thank You, Father... Thank You for literally holding me together and carrying me through every single thing this year, for never leaving my side and for whispering to me 'My child, I love you more than you'll ever know - you will get through this, just stay here in My arms and trust Me,' every single minute of every single day..." It is amazing and astonishing to me to think about how much I have learned about the Lord in just a year! But to see just how real and alive He is, and how He is running after me, even when I am ignoring Him... I found this quite the truth when I heard it from Pastor Mark Driscoll in one of his sermons, he said "As long as you try and be tough, and persevere for Jesus, you can't let Him be tough and persevere for you. Jesus is waiting to meet with you in the emotional place that you don't want to go." And it's true! And it's the summary of everything I've learned this year - when I tried to put on my tough girl face, and appear all put together, that's when I realized I needed Jesus to be the tough guy - cause I'm just a little girl from the country who isn't nearly as tough as my miraculous Savior. Why not let Him pull the strings and play the cards? After all, that's what He died for - so that He could do just that very thing, just for me. To cleanse me and make me new and take ahold of my life and bless it abundantly with His unending grace.
I always get to the end of my blog posts and I have absolutely no idea where I began. Sometimes I tend to wander... :) But I just am in awe as I lay here on my bed thinking about all the things the Lord has done just for me this year... just to remind me of how much He truly loves me, and wants nothing but the best for me. And how He alone is my strength and my joy! I can't ever imagine getting to the point where I will ever feel I know enough about Him to stop spending time with Him, and diving into His Word (Mom - I hope that "Dive Deep" is stuck in your head now! Cause it's in mine! Lol!!)... I can't wait to spend the rest of what will hopefully be a long and glorious life learning as much as I possibly can about my precious Jesus. I am overwhelmed by Him in this moment!
I hope if nothing else, that from these random crazy quirky blog updates you have been able to see Him moving in my life this year, and that in some way that's helped you learned something about Him that maybe you didn't see before! He's been so faithful to me... Helping me tackle the big things, reuniting me with my brother and sister, carrying my Grammy through her little "stent" (haha, get it Gram?) in the hospital, helping me survive my classes and strengthen my voice, keeping my mother and sister in line (hehehe..) and just literally holding me together when I was sure I wasn't going to be able to make it. Even just from reading my last blog entry to this one, it's amazing to me to see just how faithful He is... even when we can't believe it for ourselves. I called and You answered Lord! Even though I am so undeserving. You are amazing!
Long story short? I LIVED THROUGH THIS YEAR! WHOOHOO! Even when I thought I was going to die (and quite literally over Christmas there...) I managed to survive! And only was I able to do so because of how much the Lord loves me! I am His daughter! A princess in His mighty kingdom! God is so good, all of the time! <3
Thank You, Lord. I love You more than words can ever say!
And also, thank you all for your kind words, your support, and most importantly your prayers as I've struggled to live through this year! You all mean the world to me! And if I could, I'd hug each and every one of you at this very moment.
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What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself.
Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us. Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”)
No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,t neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.
No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.
- Romans 8:31-39
