Who am I?

Welp. 3 semesters down. 1 final one to go.

Whoa.

I literally cannot wrap my head around this scary, exciting, surreal, and unbelievable fact. Wowza! Every time I think about going back, I can't even believe that a) break has flown by or that b) it is my last semester of grad school. Where did the time go?

Last semester seemed to zoom by, yet drag on, all at the same time! So much happened - a lot of good, some not so good, and some gosh darn fabulous! I was so busy I'm not sure how I managed to get everything done that was required of me. Said busyness is evidenced in the fact that I barely kept this silly blog up to date!

Over the past couple weeks of break, I've been thinking a lot about this question: "Who am I?" There are so many ways to answer such a question... at this precise moment, I am a very sick girl curled up in bed in her Glee pj pants with her Mr. Pug and Steelers bear, named "Heath," laying next to her. Another answer is that I am LuAnne Hann's daughter! Whoo! Or I could say I am a graduate student at Westminster Choir College. I am a daughter of the King. I am a voice student of the always fabulous Nova Thomas. I am a proud alumnus of IUP! I am an exercise junkie. I am a great big nerd. I am sincerely obsessed with the Steelers. I am a baby opera singer. I am entirely thoroughly confused about what happens after graduation. I am ... I am ... I am ...

...the list could go on and on. But when it comes down to it, who am I really? In the world we live in, I feel like it is improper, unheard of, unbelievable if you are as I, 24 years old, and unsure of who you are... who you will become... or what it is you desire to do. Which I find absolutely ridiculous, but I digress. I have been in school my entire life. The real answer to the question "Who am I?" is that I am a professional student. And I love being a student! But I am so ready to be finished... I have been in college for SEVEN years! Five years at undergrad, and two for grad... that is a whole lot of school. What in the world am I going to do with 3 degrees? (For those of you keeping count and wondering where I got 3, I was a dual major at IUP - BS in Music Ed + BFA in Voice Performance = 2 degrees + MM in Voice Performance/Pedagogy, Pedagogy emphasis from Westminster Choir College hopefully coming this May = 3 potential degrees)

I mean seriously, who needs to be this stinking educated? And the half of it is that the more education I receive, the more stupid I feel. #truth

 This is such an interesting place to be, at this time, for I have never, ever in my entire life not known what I wanted to do and not had a plan. It bothers me more than it should, because when it all comes down to it I know that the Lord has incredible plans for me, plans that He will reveal at precisely the right moment and not a second sooner. And if you know me, not having a color-coded bullet list of my life plan drives me up the wall.

At the moment however, it is driving me closer and closer to the Lord, which is precisely where I need to be at such a confusing and uncertain time! It almost makes me laugh, because most days I find myself perusing facebook and seeing so many of my friends "growing up" ... getting engaged, getting married, starting families, and the like and here am I... still. in. school. And so me, being the emotional girl I am, find myself desperately wondering when I will get to be that girl - getting engaged, getting married, starting a family... I wind up green with envy! When instead of drooling over getting married, I need to be drooling over what in the world I'm going to do when I graduate! Rather, what in the world I'm going to do with all of these degrees! lol!

As I spend more time in the Word, praying and praying and praying about this uncertainty, I find myself coming to be more and more at peace with just merely recognizing the fact that it is completely out of my hands anyway. All I have to do is keep on keepin' on, working hard, and continually seeking the Lord, and He will reveal to me where it is He has me in this next chapter of life. I can't imagine - to not be a student? This is going to be so weird... but in a good way! :)

The more I spend my time thinking about it, the more I find myself utterly confused about what it is I actually want to do. Singing was never a reality before, but now it is a possibility? I'm talented enough according to what I've been told from those in my life at school to possibly do something with it? Do I want to?

Honestly? I have no idea.

I love singing. Adore it. Quite a bit. Obviously. But to center my entire identity, my life, my career around it? Whew. That scares me!

I love teaching with a passion - and I absolutely adore those silly high school students. So stinking much! But do I want to teach and not sing? Do I want to sing and teach just lessons?

Man, I could use a guidance counselor about now. And I'll be playing this plethora of questions all semester long, as May creeps closer and closer! It's such a unique place to be. I could give in to the anxiety, the fear, the uncertainty, and just become more of a hot mess than usual LOL... but I'm earnestly hoping and praying that the Lord will use this opportunity to help nudge me into leaning more into Him... to fully rely on Him in every moment of every day - not just in the big things. And to be more receptive to His plan for my life, instead of my own "perfect" plan. After all, He Himself is the perfect counselor! That doesn't mean it's going to be easy, just all happiness and flowers all the time, but it gives me hope... hope to believe that without a shadow of a doubt my Father has me completely taken care of, no matter what I do or how badly I may screw up. Because after all, who am I? I am the daughter of the King of Kings - and my Father will most assuredly take care of His princess, just as He promises to in His Word! And nothing is too difficult for the Lord... even my over-complicated, confusing, uncertain, debt-full, and crazy life. :)

It's going to be an interesting ride this semester, that's for sure. You know, I've been thinking about "How do I know that what God says in His Word is true? Why do I believe in Him? And put my hope and trust in my Savior, Jesus Christ, His Son?" Well, I don't have a beautiful and well-scripted answer. All I know is simply that He is good. His love is all around. Every single place I turn, I see the fingerprints of God. I know that I know that I know that I know that He is who He says He is - and that He exists. Without a shadow of a doubt. I don't just believe aimlessly or naively that God is God, without giving it second thought. I have experienced Him and His perfect, selfless, and incredible love, grace, and mercy. My entire time in grad school - this whole experience - it is woven together seamlessly because of Him. He is everywhere in the past year and a half of this adventure! And it's because of Him that it was even possible in the first place. And that's just a short two years of my entire life, where if you put the chapters together, you literally see Him jump off the page! Just because you can't see Him as a tangible, living being doesn't mean that He isn't - because oh man is He ever alive! It's not about just believing, it's about wholeheartedly and passionately trusting that the Lord will follow through on His promises. It goes from 'Whoo! God's got this, I'm off the hook,' to 'Wow, I am completely humbled by the way that He so perfectly takes care of me... how can I serve Him? What can I do while I wait on Him?' ... the answers aren't simple, and even though I know who I am in Christ and what is promised to me as a result of that identity, I can't just sit back and wait twiddling my thumbs. It's quite a position... because on one hand yes, it is as simple as believing and saying "Okay God, You've got this," but it's not nearly that simple on the other hand because one can't just sit back and passively lounge around expecting God to put all the puzzle pieces in place.

I feel like I'm talking in circles now... And I'm finally starting to wind down from the craziness of the day - and I'm praying for some incredible sleep tonight to help ward off this illness. So I'll stop with my late night soapbox. :) It's just quite incredible to me, to look at just what the Lord has accomplished in my life over the past year and a half, nearly two years... where He's taken me, what He's done in my life, how He's interceded for me, how He's challenged me and helped me grow in Him, etc. He is everywhere. I love Him. And I am so thankful that He has given me such an opportunity and a position to serve Him even more, and especially while I wait - while I wait to grow up and get married, and while I wait to grow up and figure out what it is He's calling me to do with this life He's so graciously given me. Wow! I am just overwhelmed with how blessed I truly am. Thank You, Lord! <3

Who am I? I'm just a young lady - trying to finally finish school, figure out what this world has to offer me, follow the Lord in all I do, and serve Him with every fiber of my being while I wait for Him to fulfill all of my hopes and dreams. Because He will. He's just that marvelous!

Taste and see that the LORD is good. Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him! 
- Psalm 34:8

Is anything too hard for the Lord? - Genesis 18:14

 Your Father knows exactly what you need, even before you ask Him. 
- Matthew 6:8

Life as a 2nd year grad...

Well! Here we are... into the second week of November. Talk about crazy! Also, crazy? Life as a 2nd year grad. I thought life was insane last year, and that wasn't just because of the crazy "life" things that were attacking me, but also just because of the rigorous academics required to be pursuing a masters degree at one of the most ridiculous and prestigious really schools in my line of work ever. But nope, it gets even more ridiculous as a 2nd year grad!

I've had moments, particularly all weekend long this weekend, where I have thought to myself "Man, Jess, you could be home - subbing, working another job, paying off debt instead of accruing more, maybe you would have even snagged a job for this year if you had looked..." instead of being here, stressed to the max, confused as ever, and just doing what I can to "get by."

... And then I realize the absurdity of those remarks! And stop for just a second realize what it is I'm actually gaining here - other than more massive amounts of debt, I'm gaining invaluable experience, lessons, education, and the list goes on and on! I can't even begin to tell you truly how incredibly blessed I am through this experience. Yes, it's been ridiculously hard on multiple levels, but it's also been so precious. I was listening to a sermon series from Mars Hill Church on the book of Esther this past week while I was working, and Pastor Mark Driscoll reminded me that "Oftentimes, our opportunity for spiritual growth is in the most difficult seasons of life." Talk about a slap in the face! Duh, Jessica. That's why I've been here, going through what I've gone through since the moment I stepped foot in this place called the armpit! :) I can't even begin to describe to you just how much I've grown in the past two years - and most importantly, grown spiritually. This year I feel though like I've been running a race since school began. No time to do much of anything, let alone what I'm supposed to be getting done! And last week, in the stress that was "the week after Sandy," I felt like I was going to snap. I'm sure most of those who read these silly ramblings of mine saw my facebook status from a week ago, but for those who haven't (aka-Grammy!<3) here is what I came to realize:

Last night, I came home from church and sat on my bed working on homework when "Reason to Sing" by All Sons & Daughters came on my Pandora station. It brought me to tears... it's exactly everything that's going through my thoughts lately. I sat in my room begging the Lord to give me a reason to sing - to help calm the storm that's been raging inside. This morning, I bring my computer down to the kitchen and turn on K-Love while making breakfast and getting my lunch together. They were talking with some guests and then out of nowhere "Search My Heart" by Hillsong comes on. I stopped dead in my tracks. That song is my reason to sing - when I was student teaching, about every other day, that song was on K-Love on my way home from school. It's one of my most favorite songs in the world. Not just because it's incredible but it sweetly takes me back to the semester that changed my life, when the Lord grabbed hold of me and became more than just "God," but enveloped me in His arms and let me see who He really is, and in turn who I am. And this morning it filled me with "Holy Spirit Goosebumps" and a plethora of tears. Just when I felt like I was so incredibly far away from the Lord, there He is. Meeting me in my kitchen over pumpkin spice coffee... and reminding me of my reason to sing - Him. ♥

Talk about one of those major crazy "God-cidences" ... as I've come to learn it be called from a sweet girl I met at Christian Fellowship - there's nothing as a "coincidence," there's only a "God-cidence." Last week that was just crazy awesome, totally everything I had felt deprived of so long - I found myself running around so crazy (practically like a chicken with my head cut off) and kept the Lord in a neat little box, and wasn't making the time I needed to for Him! Here I was standing around feeling left behind, kind of lost around here in the good ol'armpit, when in reality He was right here the whole time trying to slap me into focus! In that same sermon I was listening to last week, there was also a time when Pastor Driscoll said "God is not a Father who walks out on His kids - He's ALWAYS there!" Truth. He's been here nudging me the whole time. I, on the other hand, instead of having been obedient have just merely been tolerant. I got comfortable enough, and just kept going through the motions. Blech! I don't ever want to just "go through the motions," and yet somehow that's what I've been allowing myself to do this entire semester. No more, I tell you, no more! I shall stop letting life just happen, and instead live obediently where the Lord has called me. I tell ya - it's in these moments He really could just reach down and slap me, and I wouldn't protest!

I know I'm just a mere 24 years of age, but it's so funny to me how complacent I become - how much I can let myself "live in the past," and let things just "happen." It's hard not to some days, but it would be so much more beneficial to be thankful in the moments we're blessed with each day, rather than think about days gone by! Yes, I will never for the life of me ever be able to replace the most beautiful, marvelous, magical, and life-changing moments and days spent at IUP... and I know, as far as I'm concerned, nothing will compare. However, that season has come and gone! Time to keep my eyes peeled open forward, ahead of me and the race set before me, to remain obedient where the Lord has brought me, and to love this crazy, wonderful, scary, and uncertain life He's blessed me with. 

I'm slowly counting down the days until Thanksgiving break of course [8 days! 8 days!] and I can't wait to go spend the time with my family at home, tucked away in my own bed. But I will remind myself to slap a silly smile on and return to this place where I've been called by the Lord Himself happily, rejoicing that He's blessed me with this life to live for Him. It's hard right now, to not get bogged down in just being tolerant, when every day I'm faced with the fact that we're getting one step closer to bringing this Grad School adventure to a close... and then what? I honestly have no idea. What do I want to do? Move home. Sub. Look for a job. Be comfortable. What do I think the Lord will call me to do? Remain comfortably un-comfortable... stay somewhere near this area, continue to study, and teach lessons in the area. It's the most frightening realization in the world, because I have no idea where I would live, how I would make enough money to sustain the debt I will have to start paying back, let alone enough money to sustain everyday life, etc. It's so frightening, and I let myself get bogged down in that unknown, that fear, that confusion.

However, either way, the Lord has it all worked out. And as long as I continue to be obedient and follow Him wholeheartedly and passionately, instead of halfheartedly and lukewarmly, He will bring to fruition the plan He has known all along. And the one that, when I try to put my bitty hands in the process and think I know best and figure it out, that He just sits back and laughs at me for thinking I "know best." I'm telling you - He's got the best sense of humor. Ever! After all, He made me! :) hehe!

Whew. Life is crazy. But I do love it. And! I survived another hurricane unscathed. That's certainly something to stop and be thankful for! Also, I got to spend Saturday with my FAMILY!!! Mom, Nin, and Kate came to meet me at the Park City Mall in Lancaster, and it was SO MUCH FUN! Literally we were there all day, and yet couldn't even make it through all the mall! It was insane! Huge! Awesome! So much fun! Man. I love those crazy ladies! ;)

Well. I must be getting along here. Lots of lesson plans to make, and lessons to review, and a plethora of work to do thereafter! But we're almost there. Semester 3 is almost over. And then we're into the last one! I never thought last year at this time - literally last November, the month of insanity, where I got so deathly ill, moved out of the crazy house, went to NYC, sang Brahms with the Philadelphia Orchestra, came so close to throwing in the towel - never once did I truly think I was going to make it to this point. As far as I was concerned, it was a fun ride and I was done with grad school. And then the Lord slapped me across the face when He seamlessly made it so that my GPA didn't drop so low that I wouldn't lose my scholarship because I had to take that incomplete, and He sent me right back ready to fight and discover why He brought me here in the first place. Well, I'm still not completely sure of the why, but I know enough in my mere 24 years to close my eyes, thank Him for the life He's given me, and trust Him wholeheartedly without a shadow of a doubt, knowing full well that He will carry me through every single thing the enemy tries to trip me up with as I walk obediently in what the Lord has called me to. Close my eyes, thank Him, and keep on keepin' on.

As I leave you with what has been another silly rambling of mine, I will share with you my prayer for the week: Lord, help me to live in a manner in which people would be drawn to You because of how they see me behave and live in the life that You have blessed me with. Not merely making it through, tolerating what I've been given, but obediently living with a passion for You that may never be extinguished, no matter the circumstances that surround me.

Here are some pics of the last few weeks! I know most of you have probably seen them scoured all over facebook, but in case you haven't, enjoy! :) Love you all so much! Thank you for all the prayers, love, and hugs. <3

Chels, Katie, and I with our pumpkins we made when I went home in October! :)

Beautiful friends and ladies! :)

This is how I survived without heat/power during Sandy... and I was STILL cold!!!

Beautiful! Park City Mall!

NINNY! :)

I love this picture more than anything. <3

Sissy! :) :)

Best friends. Best family. #blessed <3

This is one of the best pictures in the world!

Sissy and I built bears for Christmas! I know, we're twenty-somethings, but hey. You're never too old to build a bear! ;)

Lub my Momma! <3

Blessed be the Lord, my rock,


who trains my hands for war,


and my fingers for battle;


He is my steadfast love and my fortress,


my stronghold and my deliverer,


my shield and he in whom I take refuge,


who subdues peoples under me.

- Psalm 144:1-2 (ESV)

Pumpkin palooza! :)

Well - I've lived through yet another few weeks of school! Shocking, I know. :) lol! Not much has been going on outside of crazy hectic class schedules and the like. I've been really enjoying teaching voice lessons for Ped 3! It's incredible. Every time I get the chance to teach a lesson I'm just literally smacked by God as He giggles at me and says "Jessica, remember? I've already got this all figured out." It's been really fun just remembering why I'm here in the first place! Though sometimes it does make me a big nostalgic for that home sweet home in Indiana, PA circa 2 years ago... TWO years! Wowza. Time sure does fly.

Singing in Williamson Voices is still such an incredible blessing. Even just in the rehearsals we've had so far. It literally blows me away. I am sharing in a choir with some of the most incredible people, musicians, singers, and artists I will ever meet. Every day I leave a little more in love with it all... Talk about a blessing. In-credible!

I've started playing on Worship team at church on Sunday evenings when they need me! I've been hanging out behind the piano playing (like I know what I'm doing, lol!) and singing. It's so much fun - literally, the best part of my week! I love, love, love, love, love this church. Obviously. But getting to be more and more involved just makes everything so much more special.

I FOUND A GIANT, IN PENNSYLVANIA, 15 MINUTES AWAY! That has been one of the most exciting developments of the past few weeks. LOL! Also, I got green shoe laces now for my birthday tennis shoes. It's the little things in life! :D

This weekend I went to the Fall Festival at Terhune Orchards with my friends! It was such a blast. We went pumpkin picking, drank apple cider, ate cider doughnuts, and then came back to my apartment and watched HALLOWEENTOWN! Gosh. I love that movie. It never, ever gets old. I know I always say this, but I truly am so blessed to have the most incredible friends here to share this grad school journey with. They are incredible people, and amazing friends. I'm so, so blessed!

There's really not much else going on. This week is the Verdi Requiem with the Philadelphia Orchestra that Symphonic Choir is doing. I'm not in Symphonic this year, so I am not sure I'll know what to do with myself this week with most everyone gone for the run-outs! haha! It will be different, for sure. But I wouldn't change being in Williamson in place of Symphonic in my schedule for the world!

I schedule tomorrow morning for my last semester of classes. I'm kind of incredibly frightened by this fact. I've been a student my entire life. Forever. And the question everyone always asks is "Well, what are you doing next year?" ... Uhm, I'll get back to you on that. I have absolutely no idea, and it scares me to death! Tonight in the sermon at church, one of the big points was asking the Lord to open the eyes of our heart - and to allow Him to move in us as He wishes, which is what I took from it. And I guess that's where I need to be right now. I don't have anything figured out, quite honestly. And truth be told, I have no idea what I want to do. I thought I knew, but Jesus is throwing me a curveball right now, and I don't know where to go with it from here. All I know to do is close my eyes and jump - trusting that He will carry me along the way that He has for me! It's not comfortable at all for me, little miss obsessive orderly planner, lol, but I guess what's uncomfortable is how I truly know where God wants me to go for now. Comfortable cannot be my default, and I must push on and lean into Him when I am uncomfortable. He will reveal what He desires as He desires, so, there's not much I can do. And worry doesn't help one bit. It's rather pointless, honestly! So here I go - all or nothing, jumping into the Lord's command! Now would be the time to really not let my praying knees get lazy...

I have my first "big girl" audition this weekend. I'm real nervous, but also real excited at the same time. Also, it means I get to go home for the weekend, and because of the Verdi run-outs, I get to go home on Thursday! Wahoo! I'm pretty stoked, of course. It's a mini break, which I am in desperate need of. I've reached that point in the semester where I need a break. Pronto! So I'm really ecstatic to go home in a few short days to hang out with my Momma, Sissy, and Grammy! <3

It's surreal to me that I'm almost halfway through this first semester of my last year of grad school. Insane.

That is all for now. Off to bed I go! :)
I leave you with photos from the fall festival trip with my friends this weekend! Love to you all! :)

So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today. 

- Matthew 6:34 (NLT)

I was all bundled up to go through the Corn Maze!

The girls! <3

Laura!

The girls AND Josh! :)

Annie and I got PUMPKINS that we picked from the pumpkin patch! :)

And we're off...

Wow! I realized this weekend that school has been going on for 3 weeks and I've had not a second to update my blog! Not that anybody's life can't continue without reading my blog... LOL!!

What an incredible, scary, upsetting, yet invigorating start to the second year of grad school! It's been like a roller-coaster: with a few of those dang corkscrews thrown in! The most exciting part: I PASSED MY GRADUATE QUALIFYING HEARING!!! Whoo! In grad school here, at the fancy Westminster Choir College, grad students have to do what's called a Graduate Hearing and also a Graduate Qualifying Hearing/Test. At the discretion of the voice teaching, the grad student is able to combine the two into one, and do just one jury if they pass - and that's it! Well, mine was scheduled for the first week of finals in May, but then Grandma Flo passed away and I had to go home for that whole week to be with the family. Therefore, my hearing got pushed back until the second week of school. Which was scary in and of itself because that meant a summer without many opportunities to keep singing and in tip top vocal shape - with my songs rip roarin' and ready to go. Mostly because I was still battling that unknown beast of a health problem all summer long, which left no room to keep my voice in shape - it was just a mess. And so I was so worried about coming back, because it was literally one battle after another with that all this summer, and I was petrified of my jury! Well, after struggling to get my voice back in a decent working shape, and getting my songs back under my belt, and after a week of worrying about whether this was going to go well or not, the Lord carried me through again - and I passed! Unanimously! And all of the comments on the jury sheets were the same things that Professor Thomas and I have been really working on. Oh, what an enormous blessing! Whew! Now it's on to planning my recital and preparing audition repertoire for whatever may come my way!

My classes are pretty awesome this semester - a bunch of ped track classes, German Lieder, voice lessons, the norm you know? But, another big whopping blessing to start this second year off? I WAS CHOSEN TO BE IN WILLIAMSON VOICES!! It's an auditioned choir that is under the direction of Dr. Jordan. THE James Jordan. Yep - every time I leave rehearsal I have to pinch myself! It is absolutely INCREDIBLE. Those of you who know me from prior to choir college... answer me this question: Do I enjoy choir? HA! And now, I can't get enough of it! Oh my goodness. Our concert is going to be incredible. The website says Nov. 17, but it's actually Nov. 10... (hint, hint...)... :) I am blown away by the opportunity to sing with this incredible choir. This will surely be the cherry on top of grad school, that's for sure!

Last week was a rough one - just difficult with a few different things that were going on. And my over-obsessive, ridiculous, stressful, self-critical self has problems letting things be and out of sight out of mind. lol. And instead of standing in the power and authority of Christ to let some of the things that hurt me from last week just roll off my shoulders, I allowed them to let me feel completely defeated and absolutely disrespected. And I allowed myself to live in that shame and regret and misery the rest of the week! What a silly waste of my time! You know, we love the pity parties and the self misery, but it's like eating a whole bag of chips by yourself - it feels good while you're doing it, until all is said and done. Let's at least be honest about that! While at Bible Study this past week, and church tonight, something occurred to me that I'd never thought of before. We dove into Ephesians 1:1-14ish, and it's talking about how God chose us because we please Him! That His heart longs for us! Pastor Tim said tonight that in light of that, we have an influence and impact on the heart of God! What! That made me do a double take. I mean, I knew He loved us, delighted in us, and that He welcomes us freely into His courts - but I have an impact on His heart? What is that? Whew! What a POSITION we have in Christ! One of the songs we sang tonight was "In Christ Alone," and when we came across this part of the song I was filled with what I like to call "Holy Spirit Goosebumps" ...

And as He stands in victory

Sin's curse has lost its grip on me

For I am His and He is mine

Bought with the precious blood of Christ

No guilt in life, no fear in death

This is the power of Christ in me

From a life's first cry to final breath

Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man

Could ever pluck me from His hand

Til He returns or calls me home

Here in the power of Christ I stand

Right now. Tomorrow at 8:30 in the morning. Or two weeks from now, at 5:19pm. Any time, any day I can choose to stand in the power of Christ! To say with authority that these things have no power over me, and I am an adopted daughter of the Lord, and that I can have faith and believe the power of Christ that's in me - to open my arms and receive the blessings that the Lord is showering down on me versus standing in disbelief at not only who He says He is, but also who He says I am! Well let me tell you what, I'm done with that foolishness today. I am a strong, beautiful, fearfully and wonderfully made woman of God and I will no longer let these silly things that the enemy tries to hold over me deter me from accepting the authority of the power of Christ in me! See ya later, disbelief - I'm moving on! :)

This is going to be an important year to recognize that power, and trust the Lord more than ever. Everything is kind of up in the air about what happens next: will I get a job teaching high school choir? Will I have any successful auditions and be accepted into any kind of young artist programs? Will I be living at home and subbing, but still somehow singing? It's all a crazy, confusing, and unclear kind of messy bubble. And you know me - that makes me incredibly nervous. lol. But I have to just take a deep breath, grab God's hand, and say "Okay, Dad - lead me where You wish. I trust You. I'll follow, and if I ask any questions help me to remember to ask 'how' and not 'why,' because You know best! You have a perfect plan, with Your perfect provision, and You're just waiting to reveal it to me one step at a time!" So here I go - I'm holding on tight, and I'm ready to jump in the deep end! I surrender to You, Lord.

Until the next time I rattle off about my life on end via this blog, I pray that you experience the abundant riches, and glorious grace that the Lord is waiting to lavish upon you in this season of your life! I can't wait to see what He has waiting for us all... are you willing to join me, and to hold on to His hand tight and jump on in the deep end? To surrender your desires and dreams to the Lord on High, who wants nothing but good for you, His precious child, whom He loves and adores and paid the ultimate price for?

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, even as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before Him. In love He predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of His will, to the praise of His glorious grace, with which He has blessed us in the Beloved. In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of His grace, which He lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight making known to us the mystery of His will, according to His purpose, which He set forth in Christ as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in Him, things in heaven and things on earth. In Him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of Him who works all things according to the counsel of His will, so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of His glory. In Him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in Him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of His glory. 

- Ephesians 1:3-14 ESV

I surrender it all, Lord... I will hold onto You. Lord, have Your way.

Running in the midst of standing...

This weekend my Mom, Shaina, and I went to see JONAH at SIGHT AND SOUND! (I'm still really excited about it... even though it was now 3 days ago! haha!) It was amaaaaaaaaazing!!!!!!! I LOVE Jonah! Interesting, I know, but it's been my favorite book of the Bible since I was little! I went to a summer VBS kind of thing once in elementary school that was all about Jonah, and then when I learned that I could read it in my "big girl" Bible, not my "Bible for Kids," and do so all by myself, I was in love! :) haha! But still, I just love Jonah! And so I decided to get pumped and ready for Sight and Sound I was going to start listening to the sermon series on Jonah presented by Mars Hill Church! (http://marshill.com/media/jonah) While listening to this sermon series, one of the pastors makes the remark that we are all like Jonah. We're all running in our own ways, from our own Nineveh.

The more I thought about this immediately, I went "Oh! Yes I understand, but I've not run from the Lord! I stayed in New Jersey and made it through this year! Go me!" ... ha. ha. ha. Aren't we all just so ready to jump up and down screaming "Look at me! Look at me! I did what You said, Lord! I'm good! Yeah!" - except the thing is we're not. Each and every single one of us is just like Jonah! Some kind of hatred burns in our hearts, after all we're only human. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that yes, while I remained in New Jersey, holding fast and true to the vision the Lord has for my life, I was running inside. Running and running and running until I didn't even realize anymore that I was being so disobedient! This whole time I thought I was being obedient by barely living through this first year of grad school, but truly I was as disobedient as they come! I was just like Jonah! (And still am!)

How often do we hear the Lord whisper on our hearts, "Get up and go..." just like He did with Jonah, and yet we come up with every excuse in the book - from "Well, that wasn't the Lord... I just made it up," to "I don't have the time/money/experience." Which really just makes us think, whether we consciously acknowledge it or not, that we think we know better than God! Now just how absurd is that?! But yet, we continue to choose to live there! At least, I do. Whether I consciously choose to or not, it's just my nasty gross human nature. It's self versus humility! Instead of humbling myself to the point where I say, "Lord, I will put away my self involved nature and my needs and my wants to follow You wholeheartedly and abandon myself into obeying Your Word," I continually fall back into doing my own thing on my own terms.

I'm so excited to be able to take this time this summer and to reflect on why I put up my fists fighting for the entire year, and battled spiritually the Lord in His plan for me - which, all to my dismay, includes two full years of grad school in New Jersey. I know why I continue to fight - my heart and my family remain in Indiana, in the most marvelous town of towns in Pennsylvania, while I am too far away... I've had such a hard time being okay with that fact. I know, it's a funny thing. It's one of those "growing up" things. But I haven't been able to squash the temptation to want to throw in the towel and run away to Indiana! So instead of quieting my selfish self desires, I've let them run rampant on the inside, while on the outside I've "stayed fast to the Lord's call," only to convince myself that I was doing what He wants and demands of me. So! I know what I need to first do to tackle this disobedience in my life!

As they pointed out in the Jonah show at Sight and Sound, we each have our very own Nineveh that we're running from. But what I love the most about the very true story of Jonah, is that it mimics the Gospel in the manner that it is a picture of God doing the impossible... like He likes to do! :) Who could live inside the belly of a great fish for 3 days and nights, without the help of the Lord? And who could be crucified, die, and rise again like Jesus did without the Lord's hand in it? It is amazing to me! It gives me goosebumps just to think about it. I want to know that God - the God of the impossible, who loves me more than I can ever imagine! The God who freely pours out His mercy and grace to such an undeserving people... My soul longs for Him, and nothing else will do! And in my moments of disobedience, I am given yet another opportunity to put away self and to run to Jesus - choosing to stand in faith and trust Him, instead of trusting myself. It's so neat how, a whole lot of thousands of years later, we're all still equally able to identify with Jonah and his story. Because, as the pastor at Mars Hill pointed out, we're all just like Jonah. I wonder if you will join me in learning to put away our selfish desires and choosing instead to cling to Jesus and His truth - and instead of running from Him and His call for our lives, whether we might plant ourselves and our trust in His Word, believing every single word and every single promise, believing He will bless us in our obedience!

What is your Nineveh?
Are you ready and willing to, with the help of the Lord, stop running?
... And instead cling to Jesus?


He said,
“I cried out to the LORD in my great trouble,
and he answered me.
I called to you from the land of the dead,
and LORD, you heard me! You threw me into the ocean depths,
and I sank down to the heart of the sea.
The mighty waters engulfed me;
I was buried beneath your wild and stormy waves. Then I said, ‘O LORD, you have driven me from your presence.
Yet I will look once more toward your holy Temple.’ “I sank beneath the waves,
and the waters closed over me.
Seaweed wrapped itself around my head. I sank down to the very roots of the mountains.
I was imprisoned in the earth,
whose gates lock shut forever.
But you, O LORD my God,
snatched me from the jaws of death! As my life was slipping away,
I remembered the LORD.
And my earnest prayer went out to you
in your holy Temple. Those who worship false gods
turn their backs on all God’s mercies. But I will offer sacrifices to you with songs of praise,
and I will fulfill all my vows.
For my salvation comes from the LORD alone.”
- Jonah 2:2-9, NLT

All of my life, in every season, You are still God... I have a reason to sing! I have a reason to worship! I will bring praise, no weapon formed against me shall remain. I will rejoice, I will declare - God is my victory and He is HERE!

Scattered reflections on a year gone by...

Wow. Every time I sit here and reflect on just everything that has happened in one year I am completely and utterly overwhelmed by all the emotions that overtake me - joy, awe, happiness, shock, content, pain, heartache, confusion... but overall I am filled with a peace like I've never known. Some days I can't believe that I even lived through this year! What a year it has been... Now to prepare for the next year... but for the time being, I can simply rejoice in the fact that I am officially half a master! ;)

To say that I'm elated that I survived my first year of grad school doesn't even begin to describe just how happy I am! And then to think that amidst the tumultuous waves I still somehow managed to crank out a 3.89 cumulative gpa? Holy moley. Now granted, anyone who knows me knows that I am not quite satisfied with just a 3.89 but when I think back on this past year and the ups and extreme downs I've had, I'll be okay I think this time with a 3.89. :)

When this year began, I didn't know what to expect - I remember being so excited and over the moon that I was going to be a graduate student at the (one and only) Westminster Choir College! I couldn't believe it. And in fact, I honestly didn't believe that it was real until after a week of school... I was waiting for the dream to disintegrate and for me to wake up to reality! And yet, here I am. On the other side of the first year of my graduate studies!

This year literally started as if I was living in a fantasy world - what with singing in Central Park with Andrea Bocelli, Bryn Terfel, Celine Dion, the New York Philharmonic, and the like just a mere week and a half into school! Wow. In one year I have sung alongside the New York Philharmonic, the Philadelphia Orchestra, and the Berlin Philharmonic in such astonishing places such as Central Park, the Kimmel Center, and Carnegie Hall. Who gets to live a life like this?

Though alongside the triumphs there have been great devastations and a multitude of troubles as well. I literally have never lived through a more difficult year in my young life... From the housing mess and debacle I lived through at the beginning of this year, to being so deathly ill for months on end, almost being in a situation to lose my scholarship, being so run down and getting sick over and over during the beginning of the spring semester... the list goes on and on. But what I have learned isn't that this has been the year from hell... rather, it has been the year of tremendous blessing and of so much learning on my part. Learning to wait on the Lord and just learning more and more about Him and His faithfulness.

At one point during my final year at IUP, I woke up to a text before student teaching one day from my Mom that said "I found this verse and it just made me think of you! I can't imagine just how the Lord rejoices and sings over you, my darling!" And the verse she gave me is the verse that has been my strength, when I had no strength at all, this entire year. It's the verse that serves as the inspiration for this blog - and what I cling to every single day.

For the Lord your God is living among you. He is a MIGHTY Savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With His love, He will calm ALL your fears. He will REJOICE over you with JOYFUL SONGS! 

- Zephaniah 3:17

What a promise! What strength for us when we feel so utterly alone... which I have felt this year. I've often found myself so discontent here, that I'm so alone, that I left my real friends in Indiana and that's where my heart is... when I was completely neglecting the best friend in the entire universe: the Lord! And what a wonderful Father He is, for He has literally been holding my hand every single step of the way...

- When I was being attacked physically and mentally in a horrid living situation my first 3 months here, the Lord was right by my side in every single moment. He got me through that time unscathed except for some emotional wreckage, and He completely seamlessly provided me with one of the best living situations I've ever had.

- When I was so deathly ill, from right after Thanksgiving until early February, He carried me through every single obstacle that stood in my way... He got me through every test, every final, every family party, every doctor appointment, all my multiple antibiotics, all of it. I would literally have not survived if it wasn't for His mighty healing! Though sometimes I still get a little wheezy here and there, I can't even believe how completely He has healed me from that awful sickness.

- I was in danger of losing my scholarship, since I was so sick I had to take an incomplete for my voice lessons first semester. Policy here is that after four weeks that "I" turns into an "F," which would get factored into my GPA. To maintain my scholarship I had to keep a 3.0 GPA, which for me should be no problem at all. In fact, if my GPA were ever to really dip that low, I would have a heart attack for sure. The night I was waiting on my grades to finalize, I had already (obviously) determined what I needed in each class to have a GPA that wouldn't disrupt my scholarship standing. I sat on my living room floor at home, almost in tears, and said to the Lord, "Okay, God... You know what I need. I know what I want, but You know what I need. I don't like New Jersey, and I really don't know how I feel about school - this semester was the worst I've ever had in my life. But Lord, if You want me to go back, I know You'll see that I won't lose my scholarship, which I fully believe was a blessing from You in the first place. I'm listening, Lord... and I'm waiting. Waiting on You, Father..." When my grades came in and the F was factored in? My GPA was 3.01. Talk about a total God thing! Every time I think about this, I still get goosebumps and am completely overwhelmed by the Holy Spirit! This is the cornerstone of the why I'm still here even when I want nothing more than to be home or in Indiana. I'm here because He has most certainly placed me here!

These few examples are just big ones among many where I have literally, without a doubt, seen and felt the Lord moving in my midst this year! Most importantly, He gave me a home in a beautiful church family that I never expected... after the housing mess, and losing the church that I was originally intending to attend in spite of it, I was afraid I'd never find a church to call my home. But oh man, what I didn't know was that I would find a church here that means as much to me as Word of Grace in Indiana! Which is more than I can put into words. My church here, my family, has been what's gotten me through the weeks when I could do nothing but cry because I didn't know what I was doing, or how I could make it through another horrific week in New Jersey... Ah! I am so blessed. So, so blessed.

Reflecting on this year, and all the things I've learned just is amazing... Academically, I've learned so much more than I ever would've imagined! I learned the anatomy and physiology of the voice like I've never known before (and yes, I now know that we do not in fact had 32 vocal folds... hahaha!), I've learned just how to truly read and analyze atonal music (which I never would've thought would've happened!), I've learned how to sing in a way I never thought imaginable, I learned how to SING IN RUSSIAN!, I learned about what the awesome dead guys originally thought about teaching singing... just so much I can't even keep it all in my brain most days! But more than anything, I've learned a little more about just how much Jesus loves me. How tangible His love is, how real HE is in our lives! Even in the little things! Something as simple as "Oh Lord, I'm running so late... please oh please let there be a spot for me in the parking lot!" and the minute I pull in to a completely full lot, one car is leaving making a spot just for me. The little goofy things that really aren't so goofy, Jesus even listens to those requests. I am not sure I'll ever be able to fully comprehend just how much He loves me, but his year has opened my eyes into a great new understanding, however small, of that truth. I can't stop thinking of this song in the midst of this idea of talking about how much He loves us...

More than anything, I've learned how important it is to be in constant communion with Him, and how He not only wants that but He longs to spend time with us! I've been continually reminded of this this month especially, since I've been avoiding Him. (I say that in the nicest way possible!) As many of you know, at the beginning of this month, my Grandma on my dad's side passed away after battling leukemia. I was in no way prepared for that at all - I knew to be prepared, and it wasn't just up and out of the blue. But I just - oh man. That just stopped me dead in my tracks. And with all of that to process, on top of it the mess of things with my dad showing up for the first time in a decade, just wowza - talk about some crazy need for major inner healing! And I ran. Ran as far away from God as I could, because I didn't want to deal with any of it. After the year I had barely just lived through, this was like the cherry on top of it all, and I wanted nothing more than to hide away under a rock cuddling with Mr. Pug and staying there forever. But now that I'm on the other side of it all, and it's almost the end of May, I've finally run back as fast as I can into His welcoming and open arms, wanting nothing more than to curl up with Jesus (and Mr. Pug can join too...) because He is the only one who can carry me through. As my friend once shared with me while praying for me at bible study, she said she literally sees Him carrying me over all of these waves of doubt or fear or trouble or whatever it may be, that the Lord is literally carrying me over them all, as He has done time and time again this year, and as He will continue to do so for the rest of my life because He is so good and loves me more than I will ever comprehend.

I am absolutely overwhelmed by how clearly I can see the Lord in every facet of my life through this past year... at the beginning of my last year of undergrad, I was desperate to have that relationship with Him, to hear from Him, to see Him in my everyday life, instead of just the big things - all of my friends could, why couldn't I? I would pray over and over "Lord, where are You? How can I feel You holding my hand? Hear You whispering in my ear?" And now all I can manage to do is fall to my knees and say "Thank You, Father... Thank You for literally holding me together and carrying me through every single thing this year, for never leaving my side and for whispering to me 'My child, I love you more than you'll ever know - you will get through this, just stay here in My arms and trust Me,' every single minute of every single day..." It is amazing and astonishing to me to think about how much I have learned about the Lord in just a year! But to see just how real and alive He is, and how He is running after me, even when I am ignoring Him... I found this quite the truth when I heard it from Pastor Mark Driscoll in one of his sermons, he said "As long as you try and be tough, and persevere for Jesus, you can't let Him be tough and persevere for you. Jesus is waiting to meet with you in the emotional place that you don't want to go." And it's true! And it's the summary of everything I've learned this year - when I tried to put on my tough girl face, and appear all put together, that's when I realized I needed Jesus to be the tough guy - cause I'm just a little girl from the country who isn't nearly as tough as my miraculous Savior. Why not let Him pull the strings and play the cards? After all, that's what He died for - so that He could do just that very thing, just for me. To cleanse me and make me new and take ahold of my life and bless it abundantly with His unending grace.

I always get to the end of my blog posts and I have absolutely no idea where I began. Sometimes I tend to wander... :) But I just am in awe as I lay here on my bed thinking about all the things the Lord has done just for me this year... just to remind me of how much He truly loves me, and wants nothing but the best for me. And how He alone is my strength and my joy! I can't ever imagine getting to the point where I will ever feel I know enough about Him to stop spending time with Him, and diving into His Word (Mom - I hope that "Dive Deep" is stuck in your head now! Cause it's in mine! Lol!!)... I can't wait to spend the rest of what will hopefully be a long and glorious life learning as much as I possibly can about my precious Jesus. I am overwhelmed by Him in this moment!

I hope if nothing else, that from these random crazy quirky blog updates you have been able to see Him moving in my life this year, and that in some way that's helped you learned something about Him that maybe you didn't see before! He's been so faithful to me... Helping me tackle the big things, reuniting me with my brother and sister, carrying my Grammy through her little "stent" (haha, get it Gram?) in the hospital, helping me survive my classes and strengthen my voice, keeping my mother and sister in line (hehehe..) and just literally holding me together when I was sure I wasn't going to be able to make it. Even just from reading my last blog entry to this one, it's amazing to me to see just how faithful He is... even when we can't believe it for ourselves. I called and You answered Lord! Even though I am so undeserving. You are amazing!

Long story short? I LIVED THROUGH THIS YEAR! WHOOHOO! Even when I thought I was going to die (and quite literally over Christmas there...) I managed to survive! And only was I able to do so because of how much the Lord loves me! I am His daughter! A princess in His mighty kingdom! God is so good, all of the time! <3

Thank You, Lord. I love You more than words can ever say!

And also, thank you all for your kind words, your support, and most importantly your prayers as I've struggled to live through this year! You all mean the world to me! And if I could, I'd hug each and every one of you at this very moment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What shall we say about such wonderful things as these? If God is for us, who can ever be against us? Since he did not spare even his own Son but gave him up for us all, won’t he also give us everything else? Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself. 

Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us. Can anything ever separate us from Christ’s love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or hungry, or destitute, or in danger, or threatened with death? (As the Scriptures say, “For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep.”)

No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,t neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love.

No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

- Romans 8:31-39

A desperate cry for help...

Lord,

There are so many thoughts rolling through my head right now. I can't even really truly comprehend anything at this point. I need to be studying for my Voice Ped test tomorrow and perhaps working on the rough draft for my MUHI Seminar that's due tomorrow night of which I've only written a thesis and an introduction... but I am so overwhelmed by school that I literally feel like I can't breathe. How did everything get to be such a mess?

I have been reading and studying all weekend for the Ped test, and I feel like I know nothing still. I keep re-reading the readings, and going over my notes, and yet I still feel completely lost. I am so afraid of being wrong, of not doing well, of not getting an A. My grades make me who I am... at least, in some part of my mind I believe this. Who am I? I'm Jess Hann. I get really good grades, and everyone who knows me knows that I am an "A" student. I'm not the most attractive girl, and certainly far from thin, but none of that matters. I get good grades, I graduated from IUP Summa Cum Laude, and to not get As on everything and for every class in Grad School is a disgrace.

And yet, I'm so much more. I've let getting good grades turn into what I worship, instead of You, Father. I've let myself become completely obsessed with the idea that if I don't get an A then I'm a failure, I'm not good enough. I let it control me, this obsession with having to be "perfect," because if I'm not then not even You will want me. I'm overwhelmed and overtaken by anxiety, so much that I can't focus. I can cry, and that's pretty much all I'm good at anymore.

Father, I detest New Jersey. I have been nothing but miserable since I've been here - so sick all year, extremely homesick, struggling to keep up with all of my work, barely able to work enough to pay my bills or meet my ideal (and pathetic) ten hours a week, and completely overwhelmed. I started this year living in a situation that made me question whether or not I was a good person or not, and continually played mind games with me, and left me wondering whether it was really an answer to my prayers from You or not. It was the most wretched living situation I've ever been in, and I know You know that I've had some not so hot living situations at IUP. And yet, I continued to stick it out even when I didn't want to, because I knew this was where You wanted me to be.

I've been living on the outside like everything is okay - everything is perfect because I love You, and You love me, and You have brought me here so there's no reason to worry or fret or be upset. And yet, inside I'm a mess, Lord. Why have You let me be here in the midst of this mess? I'm so miserable, I'm so lonely, and I absolutely have no idea what's going on inside my head half the time. Is this really what You have for me? For me to be here, so unhappy, but yet trying to stay the course because You have showed me time and time again that this is what You have for me? I just don't understand, Lord. I'm desperate, Father. I need to know what You have for me here, why You brought me here of all places. I was so comfortable in Indiana, so happy among my church family, my friends, and my students. I wish every single day I was back there. Life made sense. You were there, holding me together, holding my hand and leading my steps.

I know You're here, too, Lord. But I can't feel You anymore. I am so bogged down by everything going on, especially my schoolwork, and the lack of my ability to keep up with it, that I can't feel You holding me together - I don't feel Your hand in mine. I can see You moving here, and I hear You speak to me through my amazing friends, like Carola, and especially at Bible Study, but I am so lost here when I'm not surrounded by them. I go to school now with people who don't know You, people who don't immerse themselves in Your Word, and Your Spirit... people who mock me for being so hungry for You. Just last week, because I made a simple comment about how the words that someone used made my insides crawl, how they were offensive, I was told that "Of course - you're holier than the rest of us, I forgot." I am ridiculed for loving You, and not just loving You, but projecting Your love to everyone around me. I'm just that "Jesus girl" who gets made fun of when I leave the table, after I've bowed my head to ask You to bless my meal, or when I've shared that it's because of You that I can even roll out of bed in the morning anymore. Every day I feel like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, Father. Are You here? Are You holding onto me?

Through the trials and the sufferings that I'm finding here, I've found it so difficult to calm my thoughts, and calm my nerves, and just rest and live in Your perfect provision and peace that You have freely given me. Even though I know You're here. You're here more than I know! Lord, You have gotten me through every difficult step, every trial, every test, every encounter here. Without You, I am nothing. Literally. You literally hold me together. And yet I've been such a typical self-centered, self-involved child... ignoring You and Your love over and over and over again.

Lord, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that I continue to walk through this place upset and angry with You for bringing me here. I've met some of the most amazing people I'll ever meet here, and made some of the most important friendships that I could have ever asked for. I've been able to perform with some incredible musicians, and given more opportunities to perform with spectacular vocalists, orchestras, and in the most incredible venues, the world over. And I've only been able to do all of this because You have blessed me with the opportunities to do so!

I'm desperate for You, Father. Desperate for You to help me break this hold that the enemy has on me, this miserable and lonely life I've been walking in. I am so thankful, Lord, that You have put in my life the people who You know I need to help me cling to You, and to point me back to You every time I step off the path. Just tonight during church at NCC, when You spoke through Tim straight to me about living a life without conditions - living a life where serving You is the center, and the goal, and not anything else.

All I have been doing here is living a life full of conditions and making bargains with You, Lord. I'll stay here if You help me pass this test... I'll maybe be happy here if You don't take my best friend away... I'll be happy here if I can sing well... if if if if if! Lord! When I did stop trusting You and start haggling You???

I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll never do quite well enough to make it through this degree. I'm scared that even if I somehow, by Your grace alone, finish, that I'll never find a job. Or that I'll never really be happy - what if I don't get married? What if I don't ever get any thinner than I am now? What if I'll never truly be beautiful? What if you take me somewhere I'm not comfortable? Like now? In New Jersey? What am I supposed to do?

What IF I could stop all these absurd mind games, and just pour every ounce of my being into Your arms? So that You may calm my fears, and wash away the anxiety, and fill my cup with Your grace? Oh Father. I am so sorry that I have been so concerned with trying to do everything on my own, without Your help. Hellbent on succeeding on my own power, with my own means of doing so, without stopping to ask You to help me. I've been so used to doing things on my own - because the past shows me just how few people I can truly trust, right? I mean, come on. I have a knack for allowing people to use me and abuse me and leave me to put the pieces back together myself. Instead of putting that behind, and instead of leaving it at the foot of the Cross, I keep carrying that in my back pocket. "Well Jessica, you know so and so didn't want anything to do with you because you're really not good enough, and nothing you ever do will make you good enough." No WONDER I am so obsessed with this idea of perfection. I'm so afraid that because of me, because of something I've done, that these people have hurt me. That I'm the problem.

And so I've brought that persona to New Jersey, too. Well, I'm the problem. I'm not smart enough. I'm not pretty enough. I don't sing well enough. I definitely don't teach as well as so and so, and I really have no idea what they're talking about in class yet I masquerade around thinking that I do. Father! I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that instead of trusting that Your grace is sufficient enough for me, that my identity comes from YOU and You alone, I have let myself believe some diddly squat lie that the enemy has been whispering to me all year long!

Oh Lord, You have promised to keep me through this. Keep me in Your hand, resting and living this life You've blessed me with happy. Happy and trusting You every step of the way. I let myself get so bogged down, and instead of truly giving it all over to You, I hold on to it and try to control every single part of it. But You promised to take care of it all for me. You know better! All I have to do is come to You, trusting, that You will carry me every single step of the way.

Thank You. Thank You for letting me be angry, and for letting me come to You, telling You every little thing, even though You already know it. Thank You for never leaving me, even though I've let myself live too long here believing that I'm alone. You have every single second here planned for my benefit, and I know that I will make it as long as I keep myself buried in You and in Your Word. You've never let me go. And You never will. New Jersey or not. And I let myself too easily forget that. Lord, hold on to me so tight that my cheeks turn blue. I need You. Meet me here, Father. I can't do this alone. I've tried all year to keep going on my own strength, and I've snapped under the pressure. It's impossible to do this without You. I thought I was meeting You here, and I thought I was relying on You, but Father, I wasn't anywhere close to letting You lead me. I was still putting conditions on everything! How could I let myself fall into that trap? Wow.

Father, I'm overwhelmed by the love You continue to pour out to me, even though I have continued to walk around without fully recognizing it. Instead I've been so obsessed with being so completely unhappy, uncomfortable, and miserable here in New Jersey. And if I would have just stopped for a moment, and let Your voice speak to me, I would have heard You. I would have felt You holding me together, in the midst of the storm.

And You have, Lord - kept me together in the middle of this storm. I will do better from here forward to recognize You in every moment of every day, instead of when it's convenient for me on the weekend, or at lunch. And I will rest knowing that even though I'm not comfortable, and that I'm especially not convenienced by this grad school experience, that I'm able to serve You even more than ever because of it. If I was comfortable and so happy all the time, then would I really need You? You're using this to show me just how faithful You are, Lord! How tight You really do have ahold of me and of my crazy whirlwind of a life. Wow. You continually fill me with Your Spirit, because there is absolutely no way I could have made it this long without You!

Thank You, Lord. And my precious Jesus - I love You. I'm learning, slowly but surely, to drown out the thoughts and the misleading beliefs that the enemy likes to throw my way. I had a minor major meltdown tonight, tears and all. And I think most of it was that I just feel so lonely, I know You're here, and that You haven't left me alone one bit all year long, but yet I let myself get so engrossed in the obsessions of my grades, and school, and this and that, that I simply let it all overwhelm You in my life - not that it overwhelms You, but that I let all of that overwhelm my recognition of You.

You are the glue that holds me together. Literally.
I may not understand what I'm doing here, or why You felt it necessary to bring me to this specific place, and suffer through the heartaches that I have here, but Lord, I know that You have a purpose for me. A plan. One that is GOOD. And I surrender it all to You, Father. What You have for me, Lord, I'm here and I'm ready and willing to take it all. I can do it, I can do it because I have Jesus on my side. I can't even begin to understand the depths of Your Love. All I know is that I am so thankful that You make me beautiful. You make me whole. You fill me with love, and let me share that love with others.

I know this rant started off because I was angry and upset, and it probably doesn't even make sense the whole way through it. But Lord, You know where I am. What I'm going through, and what I need to say to You. I know that You have made sense of it all. It started as a desperate cry for help, Father. For You to help me make sense of it all, of the mess that I find myself in constantly here. And it's ending praising You, thanking You, and loving You for sharing Your glorious love with me. And for letting me curl up in Your lap here, and cry and scream and pull my hair out trying to understand it all, while ever so gently wrapping Your arms around me and pouring out Your love to fill the darkness with Your light.

I love You so much, Father.