I will sing unto the Lord as long as I live...: I will praise you in this storm...

Wow! It's been a crazy past few weeks. I'm so sorry it's been a few weeks since I've updated my blog here! Things have just been absolutely insane!

Where to begin? Well! I think I'm finally starting to find a sense of schedule after the Bocelli choir craziness! Which is good. I feel like I might be able to finally start to have a sense of self here now! School is going okay - it's just so very hard. Not that I expected it to be easy by any means, but I truly didn't expect it to be this difficult. I'm pretty good at adapting to jumping back into school mode and staying afloat in my classes, but here I feel like I'm drowning sometimes under all the work I have to do! Not to mention most days I just feel completely dumb. Everyone here is so talented and so insanely intelligent sometimes I feel like I can barely compare! It's kinda rough. Though, that's life sometimes I guess! What makes it even harder right now is that I had the most amazing weekend last weekend at home and in Indiana with my family and friends.. and that's made it even harder to come back here to a place where I feel like I barely have a handle on my chaotic life!

My voice lessons are absolutely phenomenal! In fact, my voice teacher was being observed last week by the chair of the graduate voice studies (or something like that!) and she told me this week when I told her about how I was so frustrated with myself and my voice that last week in my lesson, the chair who was observing her for her review, was absolutely stunned and completely impressed with me. He couldn't believe how I immediately improved on what we were working on in the lesson and literally said to Professor Thomas, "That voice has HUGE potential... HUGE." Talk about making me feel better about the progress I'm making! It's so reassuring to know that I'm not wasting my time and that I'm actually making progress with my voice! We've got a long way to go to get it to where it needs to be, but slowly we'll get there. And Professor Thomas assures me that I'm right where I need to be! :)

It's been a very trying week here. I'm currently in the middle of a housing fiasco, as I've started to call it, and essentially what it boils to down is this - I'm miserable here. This living situation is not what I expected it to be, and to be successful in any way the rest of this semester, I need to find elsewhere to call my home. And for my health, both physical and emotional, it is best that I find somewhere else and to move out of here. Though the thought of moving, while so very hopeful, fills me with absolute dread. I have a tiny car and a lot of stuff ... and conveniently no boxes or totes to pack full, since I sent them all home with Momma. It could be interesting. I'm going to look at a place next week that seems to be a good fit from first impressions, and I just keep praying that it will be. I will be so relieved when this whole thing is situated and taken care of. As I was talking to my voice teacher about this fiasco in my lesson, she said something to me that has continued to be in the front of my mind all week. I told her about how I'm struggling to really feel like I belong here, that I can succeed in this program and simply that I will be "good enough" and she said to me simply something along these lines "Oh, Jess - first of all, you wouldn't be here if you weren't good enough. And isn't it just so fitting of the enemy to put his hand to this whole situation? Making it feel even worse than it is? That's how you know you're meant to be here - that darn devil is present in the whole of it. Though the best part is, we're not gonna let him win, now are we?" Talk about a sure moment from the Lord! The exact moments I'm barely holding on by a thread here, consumed by the worry and fear from all the mountains in front me, and there is the Lord speaking to me plain as day through Professor Thomas. It still gives me goosebumps when I think about it. And it's so true! But yet, I continually find reason to believe that I'm not good enough to be here and that I was crazy to think I could ever successfully achieve my master's degree. When all that's really doing is inviting the enemy in to mess with me in any way he can get his hands on me, because by feeling that I shouldn't be here, I'm basically saying "Lord, you're wrong. I can't do this." HAH! Holy cow. Talk about absurd! Isn't it ironic that the times when we're feeling the most lost and confused, when we need the Lord more than anything, indirectly our actions are what's keeping us from Him?

Wow. What a caring, loving, and compassionate God we serve. Every time I deny His goodness by living in my little pity party here in New Jersey, He reaches out to me even more to show me that through it all He's never left my side, and that He never will. Most days I feel incredibly lonely here, having left all my friends and family behind me at home, in Indiana, Pittsburgh, Ohio, and even the Caribbean. But how can I feel lonely when I have my Father with me every step of the way, every minute of the day? I will continually be in awe of the love that the Lord has for me, even when I continue to make myself bigger than Him. I may feel like the world is crashing down around me most days here, and especially in the midst of this housing fiasco on top of the seemingly infinite piles of schoolwork, but I will continue to praise you and you alone, Father. You will see me through this storm, and those to come, because you are constant - you never change, and you never will. You are faithful to those who love you and follow you. And for that, I will be eternally thankful.

God blesses those who patiently endure testing and temptation. Afterward they will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him.
- James 1:12

This week things will start to slow down after my first big exam in voice pedagogy on Monday. I'm so worried about this test, but my plans for the weekend are to lock myself away and study until my brain hurts! lol. Prayers are so very appreciated to help calm my nerves about this exam!

Here are a few pictures from my wonderful weekend getaway home and to Indiana! My heart aches for the life I left in Indiana, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that this is where I am supposed to be. So here I will stay until I have completed what the Lord has for me here!