Due to some personal reasons, in light of recent events, I no longer have the housing plans that I originally had thought were meant to be a few weeks ago. And it's near the end of July. In approximately a month, my graduate orientation will begin, and I will need somewhere to live! Somewhere with rent that will not make me unable to eat for the rest of my life, and somewhere that just feels right. And though I had all that lined up, I now know that it was not the place the Lord has waiting for me. Even though I felt like at the time it was right, and that was the place - it had to be, right? Turns out that again, I thought I knew better than Him. Again.
My Mom and I just spent 4 days in Princeton, looking at apartments, touring the campus, and possibly more importantly than the rest, checking out a church that I felt that the Lord was leading me to. The whole time we were there, I just felt so anxious, so nervous about this. Am I really doing what He wants me to do? Going where He wants to take me? I could've spent the summer interviewing for various jobs around the state that I was interested in, I could've spent time working to start paying off the debt I've already accrued. Instead, I am going to grad school and applying for even more loans than I ever would've imagined. And yet, in the midst of it all, I find myself coming back to the words that the Lord whispered to my heart months ago when again, I was fretting about the whole situation.. I couldn't believe that this was right - that I was going to Westminster Choir College, that my dreams seemed to just seamlessly fall into place. Then I started worrying about going somewhere new, starting all over again, especially when I had just become so comfortable at an amazing church filled with so many wonderful people who sincerely loved the Lord and inspired me so much that I can't even begin to explain it entirely. What if this isn't right? No, it feels right.... so what if I get there and nobody likes me? What if I really can't do this? It's so far away, how can I be that far away from my family, from my Indiana family, and really succeed? Am I honestly good enough to be working on my masters THERE? Really? And as I was sitting there in my room that night, frustrated, anxious, nervous, scared, all rolled up into one, as clear as day I felt the Lord whisper to me, "Do you honestly not believe that I won't be with you every step of the way? That I would send you there and leave you alone?" ... Whoa. Okay, Lord. Thank you. Wow.
And yet I have let these fears and frights creep back into my mind the past few days, trying to find solutions that would help ease the anxiety, to help find the perfect apartment. The most amazing part is that, even though I most certainly have doubted His goodness, He still wants nothing more than to reassure me that literally, He's got my back! I felt so defeated today when I learned that the apartment that I believe is the one that Mom and I toured isn't available until a week after I need to move in, that all I could do is sit staring at my email in disbelief crying - what was I doing wrong? How could this have happened? I thought this was the one! It took a gentle reminder from Mary today that "God knows what you need, and He LOVES you and supplies all your needs," to really remind myself that I'm missing out on the best part of it all. Instead of living in the frustrations, fears, and frights of it all, I should be living in the amazing peace that the Lord loves me so much that He has and will continue to supply every single thing I need, no questions asked. After all, I literally would not have gotten into such an amazing school if it were not for Him! So who am I to think that I won't find the perfect apartment, I won't have the money to pay for it, I won't succeed in the difficult studies to come, or that I won't find a new family to share my time in Princeton with? Because the Lord says that He has the perfect apartment for me, He has the financial assistance planned for me that I require, He will see that I am able to focus and study and devote my time to my education successfully, and He has an amazing family waiting for me with open arms. Who am I to argue and to think that I know better? All because I'm being selfish, convinced that it should all come together in my time? I think not. All happens in HIS perfect timing! "I will be with you every step of the way." What an awesome reminder that the Lord will see me through every second of my time the next two years as I begin to pursue these graduate studies! And through every second of my time preceding the beginning of my schooling! I am constantly in awe of just how good God is, ALL of the time, whether I recognize it fully or not. And when I am in need of a reminder, I will just stand fast on His Word: Matthew 6:25-34 (Thank you again, Mary!) "Therefore I tell you, stop being perpetually uneasy (anxious and worried) about your life, what you shall eat or what you shall drink; or about your body, what you shall put on. Is not life greater [in quality] than food, and the body [far above and more excellent] than clothing? Look at the birds of the air; they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father keeps feeding them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by worrying and being anxious can add one unit of measure (cubit) to his stature or to the span of his life? And why should you be anxious about clothes? Consider the lilies of the field and learn thoroughly how they grow; they neither toil nor spin. Yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his magnificence (excellence, dignity, and grace) was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and green and tomorrow is tossed into the furnace, will He not much more surely clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not worry and be anxious, saying, What are we going to have to eat? or, What are we going to have to drink? or, What are we going to have to wear? For the Gentiles (heathen) wish for and crave and diligently seek all these things, and your heavenly Father knows well that you need them all. But seek (aim at and strive after) first of all His kingdom and His righteousness (His way of doing and being right), and then all these things taken together will be given you besides. So do not worry or be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will have worries and anxieties of its own. Sufficient for each day is its own trouble." (Amplified)
I will let you know as soon as I know about what is to come with the apartment that I found, which is a 10 minute walk from campus! It is only $725/month, which - while that's insanely expensive, for downtown Princeton that's an amazing price for everything included, all utilities! As it is right now, I can't move in until September 3, which means that I may have to pay to stay in a hotel from the 29th of August until then so that I can take my placement exams, be there for orientation, etc. But! If that's what it's to be, then that's what the Lord will provide for me for. I cannot spend one second longer fretting about the money for that week, if that's to be the case. Better yet, I choose not to worry one second longer, and instead choose to live in the truth that the Lord is my PROVIDER!
Here are a few snapshots from Momma and I's trip to Princeton! :)
Momma and I on campus!! It was the first time she saw it!! :)
This is absolutely BEAUTIFUL! I love it!
Me! Hanging out in the Quad!
Williamson Hall! Part of the original campus left standing.
Sporting my new fleecie that I got on sale for $5!
One of my favorites! I am so blessed that I got to spend this trip with my Momma, and that I finally got to share with her where the Lord is taking me! <3
This is SO good for me to hear right now! Thank you, Lord, and thank you Jess! Love you!!
ReplyDeleteAwww, thanks! You're welcome! Just sharing what's been going through my mind about it all! Figured it was time for another "pre grad school" post! Anyway, I was sitting here for the longest time going "Who in the world is Laur?" bahaha! :)
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