As you all should know from my probably near obnoxiously constant facebook rants, last week was one of the most amazing experiences of my entire life. I got to sing on stage in a choir of 100 of the best vocalists from Symphonic Choir merely as backup singers for Andrea Bocelli, Bryn Terfel, Ana Maria Martinez, Pretty Yende, Tony Bennett, and Celine Dion, while getting the amazing opportunity to perform with and see wonderful musicians such as Chris Botti, David Foster, Andrea Griminelli, and of course the New York Philharmonic! Whew! I'd call that being "among the stars" for sure! I seriously don't think it gets better than that. :) I'm not sure I'll ever be able to match that experience musically for the rest of my life! I think the only thing better would be getting to sing with Anna! (Anna Netrebko of course, to whom I refer to only as "Anna" ... because clearly we're on a first name basis! I WISH! lol!) At one point we were singing "Amazing Grace," and talk about an amazing opportunity to worship! Now I know I probably should've been paying better attention while performing, but just for a second close your eyes and picture this for me - you're on stage in Central Park, standing behind the New York Philharmonic Orchestra while Andrea Bocelli is singing "Amazing Grace," and tell me you don't feel the Lord's presence just emanating from every fiber of your being! I was lost in such a deep moment of praising my Father, that for a second I forgot that I was hanging out with Andrea Bocelli! In such a song that already has so much emotional meaning for me, from the innate emotion conveyed through the text and music alone, to the feelings and tearjerking ties it represents of my long passed friend, hero, and big sister, Whitney who we lost too soon.. It was absolutely phenomenal. I had goosebumps up and down my entire body from beginning to end, and especially during Grace - and these are the kind of goosebumps that didn't come from the cold and rain!!! In those moments spent in rehearsal, on stage, traveling, in concert, and barely sleeping that entire week, it was made even more clear to me just how good the Lord is! I would never have had such an opportunity to a) even be here at WCC or b) sing with such legends and stars in the middle of Central Park if it was not what He had planned for me! What an amazing truth.
And I am convinced and sure of this very thing, that He Who began a good work in you will continue until the day of Jesus Christ [right up to the time of His return], developing [that good work] and perfecting and bringing it to full completion in you. - Philippians 1:6, Amplified
That Scripture has completely kept me lost in Him these past few scary, hectic, and amazing weeks here in New Jersey. Looking around me on campus, in classes, and just in general I always have this fear that I'm not good enough, and that I'll never be good enough so why should I put so much effort into striving for perfection, for lack of a better word, when in the end I'll not get the reward that I seek? Well let me tell you, this Scripture has been my rock and my stronghold when that fear starts to creep in! And ironically, it was at the center of the Message Sunday night at the Nassau Christian Center Sunday night Worship that I happened to come across! And I'm so thankful that the Lord put it in my heart to attend this service, because He was totally speaking to me and everyone there the entire time! I finally found a home here, a place among other brothers and sisters of Christ who will accept me the way that He's made me with open arms! What a relief. Princeton, a month into the game, is finally starting to get comfortable! In emailing one of the wonderful ladies I met through NCC about the Bible Study they have during the week, I shared with her about how blessed I feel that the Lord had this church waiting for me, that He knew I would need this and how happy I am that He provided it for me! Her reply to me was perfect, and I can't stop smiling every time I think about it! She said, "Yeah, pretty much God is awesome and He loves his babies so much." It's so true! I love it. What an awesome way of looking at it! He loves me so much that I can't even convey the depths of His love!
Which leads me to today. And before I get there, let me back up and make this slightly more clear. As I just said, the past few weeks have been nothing but scary and hectic.. this whole experience is frightening and big and scary and honestly makes me want to curl up in a ball and cry some days. And because of the nature of what I am doing with my life here, hanging out in the midst of musicians all day long, it can be and is very competitive, very demanding, and very unsettling at times. In between classes you're thinking to yourself, "Is this really what I want to do for the rest of my life? Spend my days competing against others to maybe hopefully just once even get cast in a role in just the chorus at the Met or any other opera company for that fact? Will I ever be ready for the rejection that I will face for the rest of my life?" ... I have spent more time than I wish to admit every day I've been here lost in a sea of fear - of past failures reliving themselves before my eyes to taint what could be a life of future failures as the wannabe star. I have been miserable some days with dread at the coming work in my classes, because it is so, so hard. So much harder than any class I've ever had in my life, ever. I'm struggling. That can't be past tense, because I am struggling with some of the work being asked of me - especially in the Graduate Musicianship Review class, which is Theory Review. (Yuck-O!) And so it's been kind of an unsettling time in the midst of Bocelli craziness and then this past week afterwards. And as I was speaking with someone about these very fears I've been having, and just struggling in general, they simply looked at me and said "You know what, bottom line? You wouldn't be here if you weren't good enough or if you weren't supposed to be." And it was left at that. But it got me thinking about how we all have those days, in my case it's been a lot more than others, where we feel worthless. We feel so down on ourselves about this or that, and just literally feel like there's no way out - I'm no good, nobody wants me, why do I even try? kind of days. And some of you who were privileged (haha!) to know me since my freshman year at IUP or even MORE privileged (tehe!) to have know me growing up know that that's something I have really, really struggled with, my self image/self confidence and believing in myself. Well, as I was rushing to class this morning after trying to hurriedly finish my homework that I fell asleep on (literally.. no joke) I was so worried about not doing well on my dictation "exam" this morning. Our professor collects our dictation practice in class on Friday's and I knew it was coming... I was dreading it. Absolutely dreading it. En route to class I was feeling already not good enough because I didn't understand the theory homework I was supposed to have finished for today. It didn't make sense to me, mainly because I get so worked up about it that I end up overthinking it. (No surprise there!) And as I rushed through the pouring rain, all I could keep saying was "Lord, just please be with me." Over and over and over again. I got to class, sat down, and tried to calm down a little bit so I could have somewhat of a chance to do well on the melodic and harmonic examples we were about to dictate. And it was immediately, once it started all that stress, and hustle and bustle frustration just left - before I even knew it was gone! And all I did was just listen. Listen harder than I've ever listened for dictation before in my life! When we passed them in, I felt oddly calm about it all, when it dawned on me that oh wait a minute, the Lord just TOTALLY answered my prayer! He was right there with me the entire time. And guess what? I ended up getting both the harmonic and melodic dictation right! Talk about a wake up call! Then later today we had to perform in quartets as a part of a grade for Symphonic Choir on the end of the 2nd movement in the Brahms Requiem, and I was scared to death. Quite literally sick to my stomach over the impending performance. But again, all I knew to do was call on the Lord and ask Him to just be with me. He didn't even have to perform any miracles... I just wanted Him by my side as I stood up in front of the entire section 2 of Symphonic Choir to sing with my quartet, in front of many who were just hearing me sing for the very first time. And I got an email tonight from Dr. Quist thanking me for being so prepared and to let me know that I received an A for my hearing today.
It's amazing to me that right before our very eyes is the confirmation we seek to know that the Lord is right here with us, every single second of every single day. And yet, we miss it and Him how many times a day? I'll be honest, I get so wrapped up in the demands of the day and my everyday life that I often fail to realize that He's standing right by my side - never letting go and never leaving, not even if I doubt that He's truly there. The Lord is completely faithful in His promise to be present with me every single minute of every single day.. and yet, I still continue to doubt His goodness. Although, even in my doubt, He loves me so much that He doesn't leave my side. What a beginning to this crazy grad school adventure it's been, and what peace I have found resting in His breathtaking presence. I may have been able to sing among many stars last week, but the Lord is the one and only Star of the universe, of my life. And what a privilege it is to be able to call Him mine and I His. I will never cease to be amazed at His magnificent love for us all and how, through no efforts of our own, we will always be blessed to be standing beside the most important Star of all, for without fail the Lord will always be beside us holding our hand through every challenge or victory He has laid out before us. What a tremendously faithful and loving God we serve. ♥
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