The season of singing has come...

Holy. Macaroni. My GRADUATE voice recital is in three days. THREE DAYS! Wowza! When did that happen???? So much has been going on that I haven't even really had time to rest, sufficiently finish my work, exercise, or even some days brush my hair... let alone update you with my silly ramblings! So here we are. The calendar has turned over to the month I graduate with my MASTERS degree. Wait, whaaaaaaaaaaat?!

I was looking at the list of everything I had to do when I last updated this silly blog. And everything flew by without a second glance -- all happening so well! Orals: Passed with honors. Various exams and papers: Check. Performances: Check. Auditions: Check. Last week of classes: Check.

I just can't wrap my mind around it... I am going to graduate!
Hold that thought: I LIVED THROUGH THE PAST TWO YEARS.

When everything felt like it was spiraling out of control, and I would never in a million years live through this degree, here I am. Standing on the other side of the giant mountain. About to open my arms and receive the goodness of the grace of the Lord, who lavishes me with His extravagant love and riches -- in ways that I never imagined possible.

Last night was my dress rehearsal for my graduate recital! There were things that went so beautifully, things that were not so eloquent, and memorizations I know aren't quite as solid as I thought they were... but to be able to stand up and sing, to say what I have to say, to share my talent and my passion and the beautiful progress I have made only because of my inspiring and amazing teacher and mentor is a feat in and of itself for me -- the girl who has been sick more than most of my graduate class combined over our time here. I am in awe of the moment itself ... and can't believe it is happening for real!

I guess the season of singing for me has really come to fruition. I have no idea what happens next, what jobs I'll be applying for, where I'll be living, the lot of it! But! I do have a pretty exciting summer planned, which is why I share with you now that the time of singing truly has come for me. So! Without further ado, let me share with you the amazing plans the Lord has brought to me for my upcoming summer...

1. I graduate May 17, turn around and come home the following day, and then immediately fly out of Pittsburgh to Houston, Texas, to participate in the intensive young artist program Le Chiavi di Bel Canto.

2. Come July, I will be flying to London then hopping over to Oxford to participate in the Westminster Choral Institute at Oxford University in a unique partnership with St Stephen's House, one of the Halls of Oxford University. As a member of Williamson Voices under the direction of Dr. James Jordan, I will be singing in the choir for participants and workshops and master classes and the like. It is an incredible opportunity!

After that, I will spend a few days perusing London with some of the most beautiful people I know, and long-lost friends it seems!, who live there! Enjoying my first time in Europe to the fullest :)

3. THEN! I am so excited to share with you that I will be travelling to Hungary this summer to participate in the Crescendo Summer Institute of the Arts! CSI offers one of the most complete and competitive summer voice programs in Europe. I have personally been invited to cover the role of “Donna Anna” in their production of Mozart’s Don Giovanni. The unique opportunity that I will have at CSI this summer is that I will not only be covering a major role that could later serve to become the pinnacle of my vocal career, should the Lord lead me on that path, but I will also be in the position to share the love of Jesus with others. Everything I love. All in one. AHHHHH!!!! :)

I have to get back to resting/finishing my program/sleeping and the like in preparation for this weekend. I just can't even believe it. The season of singing for this girl has certainly come... and I don't know what to expect or where to even start, but all I know is that the Lord has totally got this. He be in control --- cause I'm surely not! Where You lead, I will follow! <3

The flowers appear on the earth,

the time of singing has come,

and the voice of the turtledove

is heard in our land.

- Song of Solomon 2:12

In the face of one giant mountain...

My Father wants me to leap into His arms with joy... 

My Father loves me.

... My Father WANTS me.

Wow.

I'm completely overwhelmed by this. Tonight's message was one of the most overwhelming, yet beautiful and so incredibly hard to get through messages I've ever heard. You know, just yesterday I was making my invitations for my recital... and by sheer coincidence (or not...) happened to come across my invitation list for such life events, not even sure I had it here with me in NJ. Then I was going down the list and came across Grandma's name. And man, I just cried like a baby. I didn't realize how much I missed her, or how much my heart still hurts from the loss of her last year. I can hardly type that without breaking down in tears - whew. And to think about the emotional roller-coaster that the past two years have been, but in particular last spring and everything that had to do with Grandma Flo. Holy moley, talk about rough. 

And then, after having been thinking about Grandma and all of the mess that lies in that, I go to church tonight and there's a "Daddy" message? So NOT prepared for that. Seriously, Lord? I mean... You could have thought about that better... 

Oh, wait. You did.

It's always astounding to me just how much He really wants to get this through my thick skull - how He is my Father, He will never leave me, He loves me - unconditionally... I mean, the list goes on and on. I find it sad that in my mere fleshly - my severely selfish ways, that I eventually always wind up distrusting my heavenly Father - confusing His characteristics with the characteristics of my earthly father. I know better. But it's as if it's my default button. Men = bad. Fathers = worse. My father = the worst. That's the subconscious train of thought that I seem to follow, unbeknownst to me until that moment ... moments like tonight ... where the Lord slaps me to wake me up and bring me back to Him. 

Tonight, the sermon talked about living as an orphan versus living as a son/daughter of the Father. While I know how to be a daughter, because I have the most incredible mother in the entire world - one who isn't just my mom, but my dad ... two for the price of one! (not to mention my best friend) - I realize that I have absolutely no idea how to be a daughter who lets her dad have her unending love, trust, and compassion. One who turns her life and her heart and herself over to her father, just as she does with her mother. And every time I think I'm truly doing so with my Father, I really am only on the surface level. And tonight, He broke down my walls and tugged on my heartstrings.

And, hello there's another slap from the Lord. Ever so gently of course, through the beautiful Holy Spirit. But - really. I need slapped for that! 

It's no wonder I feel like the hot mess I am. One of the characteristics of living as an orphan, with a self mindset, is this feeling of inadequacy. And this may come as a surprise to some of you... not... but I absolutely just feel like the most inadequate human being on the face of the planet. When I was younger, I used to feel this inadequacy with the weight as heavy as a ton of bricks in relation to my dad - I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't skinny enough, I wasn't perfect enough, I wasn't good enough, I wasn't smart enough, I wasn't kind enough, fill-in-the-blank enough... for him to love me enough to stay. I battled with that idea for all too long - and it bled over into every area of my life, causing me to form a really skewed and messed up image of myself in light of all of it. One where I honestly couldn't believe GOD would even want to take time out of His obviously busy schedule, taking care of EVERYONE, to want anything to do with me.

Holy moley. And you mean to tell me that He is chasing after me? He loves me so much He sent HIS Son to take my place? He wants me to jump into His arms with joy? To run to Him... always? 

HELLO, TRUTH!

And that I am good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, and the like to be His daughter? But wait, there's no qualifications? I don't have to fill out an application? He loves me no matter what? 

... no matter WHAT?

That completely changed my entire life, when I realized that. And not just that HE wants me, that HE loves me, and that HE wants me to run to Him... but that He's not just this far away God in Heaven? He's HERE? He's by my side? I can have a relationship with Him? That He DELIGHTS in me... always? Now? Tomorrow? Twenty years from now? 

Again. Mind. Blown.

HOW can I not taste and see that He is good? That His Word is true, and He will keep His promises for all of time? 

Lord, I am overwhelmed by You.
And by Your love for me.

I'm so silly. I get myself so wound up, so distressed, so discouraged because I feel so INADEQUATE ... but those are just lies that the enemy is filling my head with. And it's influencing me to act like an orphan instead of the loved daughter of God that I am. Instead of leaning on Him, breaking free of these chains and this discouragement... this fear and anxiety... I let it run rampant. 

Well buddy, no more.

From here on out life continues to be ridiculously insane until I, Lord-willing, graduate in May. I must buckle in and hunker down for the most incredibly difficult three months of my young life thus far. Everything is game on now, and there is no turning back. Here's a tiny checklist... My GIANT mountain...

3/7: Whole Opshop scene memorized
3/13: Sing in Perf class... better get to memorizing my recital music
3/14: French Mélodie exam
3/15: Another audition
3/27: ORALS... ORALS... ORALS
4/something: Williamson concert
4/23: OpShop performance
5/5: RECITAL
5/17: GRADUATION

... And that's not even including trying to fit work, homework assignments, reading, and GROCERY shopping in there. OH and laundry and cleaning. You laugh, but I've been so busy I haven't been to the grocery store for a month! I just can't handle any of this... AND HELLO MY ORALS ARE THIS MONTH AND I FEEL SO ILL-EQUIPPED. 

I'm so incredibly overwhelmed - with school, with life, with what comes next (hello - I have no idea where I will go after May... that's another fear in and of itself) and the list could go on and on... I wrote this plea on my facebook the other day "So incredibly overwhelmed... Lord, please help me use these moments to turn being overwhelmed by circumstances, workloads, and the like over to instead being overwhelmed with You - Your love, grace, and mercy that will continue to carry me through all the aforementioned worries and stresses. I am literally only going to make it through these next few months due to the strength I receive from You." 

The Lord has seen me through every single step of the way thus far. I have no reason to believe He won't carry me through this semester also. I mean, honestly - if it weren't for Him I wouldn't even be here. Every single step of this degree has been a testimony to His unending grace and mercy. He does have a purpose for me. I just need to literally cling to Him as if I am His little girl, which I am... trusting He will never, ever leave my side.

So tonight, I really needed that major slap in the face. So that I will finally stop treating my heavenly Father like my deadbeat earthly father who doesn't know how to love me. Because my heavenly Father knows how to lavish me with His perfect love. I just have to open my arms and receive it. 

I have to boldly declare that in the name of Jesus, I am a beautiful, marvelous, princess and daughter of the King. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God made me just how He wanted me to be - and He knows just how to walk with me through this scary, uncertain, difficult, and stressful time. Because on the other side of this craziness is more beauty than I can ever imagine.

Lately, I've been so bad at reserving my heart for the Lord. On a completely unrelated note, and random really, I see everyone around me in relationships - getting engaged, getting married, happy with someone else that they've entrusted their heart, their love, and themselves to. I'm twenty-four years old, and in this culture it seems "wrong" to not be in a relationship, to not be preparing for the next step, to be alone. I'm constantly trying to find someone to give my heart to - trying to do my hair, do my makeup, look as skinny and "pretty" (whatever that is) as I can, so that I won't miss my chance... because sometimes I'm truly afraid I've missed finding my husband. And if you're a girl in particular, I KNOW you know what I'm talking about! hahaha! Instead of guarding my heart, giving it solely to the Lord, I'm trying so hard to "do all the right things" so someday soon I won't have to pay someone to marry me.

"... Uhm, Jessica - that's about the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard." I know that's just what the Lord is thinking right now. And He's stifling back laughter at me, at my poor pathetic antics to try to convince someone I'm WORTHY to be loved.

Which all goes back to the crux of it all - and of where the message from church tonight took me ... I am worthy. I am so worthy of love, that Christ died to bring me a love I can never fully understand. And instead of trying to give my heart away to the next man that comes walking around the corner, I need to give it to God, and Him alone. 

All I need is You, Lord. 

If I learn nothing else in this life, and if I have nothing left to share, it all comes back to this - all I need is Him... that's what matters. He makes us whole. He holds our hands every step of the way, He carries us when we can't stand on our own two feet. He desperately wants us to come to Him, to pick up our burdens for us, and to steadfastly shower us with His forgiveness, love, mercy, and grace. 

It's amazing, isn't it? That we can be so messed up in our own little ways, but when it comes back to the Lord, all that is pushed aside and out of mind. 

Are you willing enough to step out of your "identity" box... to put aside who you say you are, and to accept rather who GOD says you are?

I won't make it through this looming giant mountain of finishing school on my own. It's literally impossible. But with Christ on my side, by my side, holding me up when I can't do it on my own, before I know it all the troubles will be over. And I will be celebrating the culmination of two years' worth of stepping out in faith and watching the Lord never cease to amaze me, never cease to take care of me, and never cease to bring me over, around, and through my mountains. 

I don't really know where this whole post started, or if I've kind of even coherently summed up one thought, but this is just a montage of everything that's been rolling around in my heart the last week... and that ran down my cheeks in tears tonight during church. Jesus is alive. And His heart aches for you more than you will ever know. It's astounding. It's amazing. It's quite literally unbelievable. And yet, if you let Him, He will saturate your life and every fiber of your being with Himself - and you will come to wonder how you could ever be so silly as to question Him, His presence, His truth, or His love for even a shadow of a second.


If you got nothing else from these random ramblings, know this:
God is good... all of the time.

"Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see— how good God is.

Blessed are you who run to Him." 

- Psalm 34:8, The Message

Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;

    you formed me in my mother’s womb.

I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!

    Body and soul, I am marvelously made!

    I worship in adoration—what a creation!

You know me inside and out,

    you know every bone in my body;

You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,

    how I was sculpted from nothing into something.

Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;

    all the stages of my life were spread out before you,

The days of my life all prepared

    before I’d even lived one day.

- Psalm 139:13-16, The Message

*If you, like I, struggle with forgiveness - of self, of others, in any capacity - I highly suggest you take the $10-$15 and get this book, read this book, and soak in the honest to goodness truth of the healing power and unending love of our Savior, our Maker, our Lord. It changed my life, re-ignited my relationship with the Lord, and inspired and encouraged me to earnestly and honestly bring my struggles with forgiveness to Him, to my Father who loves me and who wants to take away the hurt and replace it with joy. Suzie is an incredible woman who is such a treasure, who knows the Lord and who seeks to share His wonderful love with us all, women and men alike. I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to read this book firsthand last year, as she was working to finalize this beautiful project, and I cannot tell you enough how much it brought me back to the Lord every moment of every day. Do yourself a favor, and unburden your heart. The Unburdened Heart, Suzie Eller

And I will call upon Your name

And keep my eyes above the waves

When oceans rise

My soul will rest in Your embrace

For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters

Your sovereign hand

Will be my guide

Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me

You've never failed and You won't start now

Who am I?

Welp. 3 semesters down. 1 final one to go.

Whoa.

I literally cannot wrap my head around this scary, exciting, surreal, and unbelievable fact. Wowza! Every time I think about going back, I can't even believe that a) break has flown by or that b) it is my last semester of grad school. Where did the time go?

Last semester seemed to zoom by, yet drag on, all at the same time! So much happened - a lot of good, some not so good, and some gosh darn fabulous! I was so busy I'm not sure how I managed to get everything done that was required of me. Said busyness is evidenced in the fact that I barely kept this silly blog up to date!

Over the past couple weeks of break, I've been thinking a lot about this question: "Who am I?" There are so many ways to answer such a question... at this precise moment, I am a very sick girl curled up in bed in her Glee pj pants with her Mr. Pug and Steelers bear, named "Heath," laying next to her. Another answer is that I am LuAnne Hann's daughter! Whoo! Or I could say I am a graduate student at Westminster Choir College. I am a daughter of the King. I am a voice student of the always fabulous Nova Thomas. I am a proud alumnus of IUP! I am an exercise junkie. I am a great big nerd. I am sincerely obsessed with the Steelers. I am a baby opera singer. I am entirely thoroughly confused about what happens after graduation. I am ... I am ... I am ...

...the list could go on and on. But when it comes down to it, who am I really? In the world we live in, I feel like it is improper, unheard of, unbelievable if you are as I, 24 years old, and unsure of who you are... who you will become... or what it is you desire to do. Which I find absolutely ridiculous, but I digress. I have been in school my entire life. The real answer to the question "Who am I?" is that I am a professional student. And I love being a student! But I am so ready to be finished... I have been in college for SEVEN years! Five years at undergrad, and two for grad... that is a whole lot of school. What in the world am I going to do with 3 degrees? (For those of you keeping count and wondering where I got 3, I was a dual major at IUP - BS in Music Ed + BFA in Voice Performance = 2 degrees + MM in Voice Performance/Pedagogy, Pedagogy emphasis from Westminster Choir College hopefully coming this May = 3 potential degrees)

I mean seriously, who needs to be this stinking educated? And the half of it is that the more education I receive, the more stupid I feel. #truth

 This is such an interesting place to be, at this time, for I have never, ever in my entire life not known what I wanted to do and not had a plan. It bothers me more than it should, because when it all comes down to it I know that the Lord has incredible plans for me, plans that He will reveal at precisely the right moment and not a second sooner. And if you know me, not having a color-coded bullet list of my life plan drives me up the wall.

At the moment however, it is driving me closer and closer to the Lord, which is precisely where I need to be at such a confusing and uncertain time! It almost makes me laugh, because most days I find myself perusing facebook and seeing so many of my friends "growing up" ... getting engaged, getting married, starting families, and the like and here am I... still. in. school. And so me, being the emotional girl I am, find myself desperately wondering when I will get to be that girl - getting engaged, getting married, starting a family... I wind up green with envy! When instead of drooling over getting married, I need to be drooling over what in the world I'm going to do when I graduate! Rather, what in the world I'm going to do with all of these degrees! lol!

As I spend more time in the Word, praying and praying and praying about this uncertainty, I find myself coming to be more and more at peace with just merely recognizing the fact that it is completely out of my hands anyway. All I have to do is keep on keepin' on, working hard, and continually seeking the Lord, and He will reveal to me where it is He has me in this next chapter of life. I can't imagine - to not be a student? This is going to be so weird... but in a good way! :)

The more I spend my time thinking about it, the more I find myself utterly confused about what it is I actually want to do. Singing was never a reality before, but now it is a possibility? I'm talented enough according to what I've been told from those in my life at school to possibly do something with it? Do I want to?

Honestly? I have no idea.

I love singing. Adore it. Quite a bit. Obviously. But to center my entire identity, my life, my career around it? Whew. That scares me!

I love teaching with a passion - and I absolutely adore those silly high school students. So stinking much! But do I want to teach and not sing? Do I want to sing and teach just lessons?

Man, I could use a guidance counselor about now. And I'll be playing this plethora of questions all semester long, as May creeps closer and closer! It's such a unique place to be. I could give in to the anxiety, the fear, the uncertainty, and just become more of a hot mess than usual LOL... but I'm earnestly hoping and praying that the Lord will use this opportunity to help nudge me into leaning more into Him... to fully rely on Him in every moment of every day - not just in the big things. And to be more receptive to His plan for my life, instead of my own "perfect" plan. After all, He Himself is the perfect counselor! That doesn't mean it's going to be easy, just all happiness and flowers all the time, but it gives me hope... hope to believe that without a shadow of a doubt my Father has me completely taken care of, no matter what I do or how badly I may screw up. Because after all, who am I? I am the daughter of the King of Kings - and my Father will most assuredly take care of His princess, just as He promises to in His Word! And nothing is too difficult for the Lord... even my over-complicated, confusing, uncertain, debt-full, and crazy life. :)

It's going to be an interesting ride this semester, that's for sure. You know, I've been thinking about "How do I know that what God says in His Word is true? Why do I believe in Him? And put my hope and trust in my Savior, Jesus Christ, His Son?" Well, I don't have a beautiful and well-scripted answer. All I know is simply that He is good. His love is all around. Every single place I turn, I see the fingerprints of God. I know that I know that I know that I know that He is who He says He is - and that He exists. Without a shadow of a doubt. I don't just believe aimlessly or naively that God is God, without giving it second thought. I have experienced Him and His perfect, selfless, and incredible love, grace, and mercy. My entire time in grad school - this whole experience - it is woven together seamlessly because of Him. He is everywhere in the past year and a half of this adventure! And it's because of Him that it was even possible in the first place. And that's just a short two years of my entire life, where if you put the chapters together, you literally see Him jump off the page! Just because you can't see Him as a tangible, living being doesn't mean that He isn't - because oh man is He ever alive! It's not about just believing, it's about wholeheartedly and passionately trusting that the Lord will follow through on His promises. It goes from 'Whoo! God's got this, I'm off the hook,' to 'Wow, I am completely humbled by the way that He so perfectly takes care of me... how can I serve Him? What can I do while I wait on Him?' ... the answers aren't simple, and even though I know who I am in Christ and what is promised to me as a result of that identity, I can't just sit back and wait twiddling my thumbs. It's quite a position... because on one hand yes, it is as simple as believing and saying "Okay God, You've got this," but it's not nearly that simple on the other hand because one can't just sit back and passively lounge around expecting God to put all the puzzle pieces in place.

I feel like I'm talking in circles now... And I'm finally starting to wind down from the craziness of the day - and I'm praying for some incredible sleep tonight to help ward off this illness. So I'll stop with my late night soapbox. :) It's just quite incredible to me, to look at just what the Lord has accomplished in my life over the past year and a half, nearly two years... where He's taken me, what He's done in my life, how He's interceded for me, how He's challenged me and helped me grow in Him, etc. He is everywhere. I love Him. And I am so thankful that He has given me such an opportunity and a position to serve Him even more, and especially while I wait - while I wait to grow up and get married, and while I wait to grow up and figure out what it is He's calling me to do with this life He's so graciously given me. Wow! I am just overwhelmed with how blessed I truly am. Thank You, Lord! <3

Who am I? I'm just a young lady - trying to finally finish school, figure out what this world has to offer me, follow the Lord in all I do, and serve Him with every fiber of my being while I wait for Him to fulfill all of my hopes and dreams. Because He will. He's just that marvelous!

Taste and see that the LORD is good. Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him! 
- Psalm 34:8

Is anything too hard for the Lord? - Genesis 18:14

 Your Father knows exactly what you need, even before you ask Him. 
- Matthew 6:8