Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Are you there, Lord?

Hey! It's my birthday today!! I'm a whole whopping 23 years old! That's crazy!



And hello - Whoa! What a start to the beginning of this brand new chapter in my life! Upon arrival in New Jersey, Mom and I barely beat Hurricane Irene! We were fortunate enough to get the cars unloaded before the storms began! But oh boy, once those storms started it was insane. Turns out, there was a tree about 4 houses up that took out a telephone pole and the wires - which is why for over 48 hours I have had no electricity. Talk about an adventure! Especially since it could be as early as September 4th before our electricity is restored!!! Finally last night, the ladies I live with and I decided it's time for me to relocate until the electricity comes back on! Fortunately, a friend of mine who I went to IUP with lives only a half hour away from Princeton and has graciously opened his home to me until that day comes when the electricity is back in full swing! (Thanks, Tim!!!!)

Throughout these whole past few crazy insane days it has been difficult for me to stop and be able to recognize the Lord still ever present with me every step of the way! In fact, it wasn't until Adam so kindly posted birthday wishes on my facebook with that very reminder - "The Lord is with you every step of the way..." - that I remembered to stop and take time to thank Him for, amidst the crazy insanity of the turn of events, still being always with me! How AWESOME is that? So okay, there's this ridiculous hurricane that's devastated tons of homes, places, torn apart families, flooded roads, etc.... but the Lord is still personally hanging out with ME for the day? How could I be so selfish to not even recognize that fact? Truth is, whether I have electricity or not, I am guilty of constantly becoming so wrapped up in my own life that I completely forget that oh hey - there you are, Lord! Instead of it being "Are you there, Lord?" it truly should be "Hey, Lord! Thanks for spending the day with me!" How easily we take advantage of such an amazing blessing and promise, that the Lord of All will ALWAYS be with us no matter what! I just love it! And of course, it became harder to differentiate all of this insanity around new beginnings AND my birthday!! What a birthday present, right? Right this very minute I have been 23 years old for 12 hours and 14 minutes. Whoa! That will take some getting used to!

As I sit here in this awesome looking Starbucks awaiting Tim's arrival home in which I can go meet him, I just keep thinking how absolutely thankful I am. Scared, yes. Nervous, yes. Worried, yes. Frightened, yes. Absolutely without a doubt just sick with worry over these placement exams - yes I really absolutely without a doubt know I should've studied more. Really I should be studying right now since all of our exams were pushed back a day due to the electric outage on campus too! And I will here once I finish this, but I thought it would be good to take a moment to update all of you on this crazy new adventure I'm on, with God in the driver's seat! I'm merely riding alongside Him as these plans for my future He has unfold before my very eyes. It really is the neatest and most amazing thing to be able to see Him absolutely fulfill every promise He has ever made us! I love it. And I love Him! And I am absolutely beyond thankful that I have the Lord who is ever so gracious and kind behind the wheel of my life, directing me amidst the chaotic insanity that sometimes ensues!

Are you there, Lord? Well of course you are! And I am here, ready and willing to be quiet and listen for You to speak to my heart, Lord. And to live in the breathtaking truth that You are with me always, even now as I chill out here in this Starbucks writing this blog. Wow!

Have not I commanded you? Be strong, vigorous, and very courageous. Be not afraid, neither be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. - Joshua 1:9 (Amplified)

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Trust God, you are exactly where you are meant to be!

Birthday present to myself! :)

Well. This is it! 3 more days until I depart for this great big adventure the Lord has waiting for me!! I was fortunate enough to be able to meet the marvelous Mihelcic clan today in Altoona and spend some time with them before my departure, and as I was meandering around the mall with Katie we stopped in the Hallmark store so I could see if anything tickled my fancy, since I had a 20% off birthday coupon! And to my surprise, this is what I happened to find sitting out of eye level on a shelf halfway back the store! I saw it and thought "Oh my gosh, that is absolutely perfect. The Lord SO knows I'm going to need His definite reminders, especially in this first week!" So I bought it to put right smack dab on my dresser in NJ, so that I can be reminded of this wonderful promise from Him constantly! I just love it!!

As my final days at home before grad school begins come to a close, I'm finding it difficult to be peaceful about the entire thing. I feel almost like I've wasted my summer. You know how it is when all of a sudden things are coming to a close before you feel ready! I've had an amazing summer at home. It started out rocky because my plans weren't congruent with His plans for me, and I wasn't recognizing that, but once I was able to live in that, summer just seemed to fly right by. I got to spend so much needed time with my family, friends, and just with myself. Though with 3 days left to pack completely, re-organize, clean, study, and sing I just feel like I've no time at all! Especially in regards to singing and studying..... I know it's my fault. I dropped the ball as far as truly preparing myself for placement exams/hearings & auditions. And I know, I've no excuse... I don't expect any miracles here, especially since I've been out of schooling and teaching for the past whole year. My voice is nothing that I expect it to be and my music history and theory skills? HAH! At this point I'm going to have to beg them to take me into all of the remedial classes without the thought of kicking me out and sending me right back to where I came from! Yes, I'm extremely nervous. But the conclusion I have come to is this - I know I need remedial classes because I know I need to desperately brush up on my music history and theory. It's been 2 years since I've had any music history and 3 since theory! Oh and I know I'm going to need to take languages to meet the requirement since I didn't take any in undergrad so I'm not even thinking twice about that placement exam! :) And I'm praying Dr. Hastings and Dr. Peavler taught me enough about diction, rather that I absorbed all that they taught me and that everything I learned is still in there somewhere!! Oh, boy.

I guess where I'm going with this is I have about 7,000 placement exams next week which are going to make me feel completely inadequate and absolutely make me doubt every single second about whether I really deserve to be at such a prestigious voice school beginning my graduate studies. Especially since I know that it's very likely I will end up in every remedial class offered! Though, at this point, I honestly think that would probably be a good thing. So I can become as knowledgeable as they feel I should be about the content and be prepared for the rest of my studies! When it all comes down to it, what I've come to realize through all the anxiety, the fears, and the frustrations of not having spent time preparing as much as I know I should have is that I am who I am, I know what I know, and obviously they saw something promising, some kind of potential, in me when I auditioned. Otherwise, they never would have given me such an amazing opportunity to enter their school! I'm just scared of letting them down, of making a fool of myself, and in simple terms - of not being seen as good enough after these placement exams. Really, of not being good enough ever.

The comforting news I've come to absolutely rely on in light of this? That it doesn't matter what I do, how I succeed or don't in these placement exams, or what they might think of me going in. It simply does not matter, because whether they recognize it or not, Christ qualifies me in all of it! He is the reason that I was even offered such an amazing opportunity, with an amazing package including a scholarship and an assistantship to boot! When I struggled and struggled and struggled to find a place to live, and thought this was all going to fall through at the last minute because I had nowhere to live, He more than answered my prayers by completely providing a place that I could never have dreamed better for me! He has followed through on every single part of the journey so far - He's gotten me accepted to WCC, gotten me financial assistance, and provided me with a place to live for the first year. How can I be so selfish to not even recognize, no matter what the circumstances or what anyone else may think of me by a silly placement exam score or through their own first impressions, that the Lord is completely and earnestly still carrying me there, leaving me absolutely no reason to doubt Him or His goodness! He qualifies me to be "good enough" - rather to be MORE than good enough! Even for somewhere like Westminster Choir College. I am loving this Scripture right now, especially its relevance to the struggles I'm facing:

We pray that you'll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul—not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives. It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that He has for us. - Colossians 1:11-12, The Message


"The Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that He has for us." How can I doubt that it's going to be so, so good? Regardless of how I do on these placement exams! As much as I fear it, I honestly doubt they're going to kick me out if I fail every placement exam and have to take all of the remedial classes. There have to be others who are in the same boat as me! And honestly for their sake, I pray that they literally are in the same boat as me - the boat where Jesus is Lord, qualifying me and freely giving me the strength I need to make it through all of this!!

Long story short: I'm scared to death and feel completely unprepared, but have come to realize that living in the fear and fright is living outside of the Lord's peace in knowing that His Perfect Provision, the fact that my times are in HIS hands - that He has only the absolute best waiting for me!

So, here I go!! I've got a lot to do and only 3 days to accomplish it all. :) I'm so looking forward to being able to bring each and every one of you on this journey with me through this blog!! I've already got my camera charged and ready to go, so that you can also see it for yourself from the very beginning! Thank you for being willing to share this whole new exciting chapter of my life with me. :)

Trust God, you are exactly where you are meant to be!