Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Who am I?

Welp. 3 semesters down. 1 final one to go.

Whoa.

I literally cannot wrap my head around this scary, exciting, surreal, and unbelievable fact. Wowza! Every time I think about going back, I can't even believe that a) break has flown by or that b) it is my last semester of grad school. Where did the time go?

Last semester seemed to zoom by, yet drag on, all at the same time! So much happened - a lot of good, some not so good, and some gosh darn fabulous! I was so busy I'm not sure how I managed to get everything done that was required of me. Said busyness is evidenced in the fact that I barely kept this silly blog up to date!

Over the past couple weeks of break, I've been thinking a lot about this question: "Who am I?" There are so many ways to answer such a question... at this precise moment, I am a very sick girl curled up in bed in her Glee pj pants with her Mr. Pug and Steelers bear, named "Heath," laying next to her. Another answer is that I am LuAnne Hann's daughter! Whoo! Or I could say I am a graduate student at Westminster Choir College. I am a daughter of the King. I am a voice student of the always fabulous Nova Thomas. I am a proud alumnus of IUP! I am an exercise junkie. I am a great big nerd. I am sincerely obsessed with the Steelers. I am a baby opera singer. I am entirely thoroughly confused about what happens after graduation. I am ... I am ... I am ...

...the list could go on and on. But when it comes down to it, who am I really? In the world we live in, I feel like it is improper, unheard of, unbelievable if you are as I, 24 years old, and unsure of who you are... who you will become... or what it is you desire to do. Which I find absolutely ridiculous, but I digress. I have been in school my entire life. The real answer to the question "Who am I?" is that I am a professional student. And I love being a student! But I am so ready to be finished... I have been in college for SEVEN years! Five years at undergrad, and two for grad... that is a whole lot of school. What in the world am I going to do with 3 degrees? (For those of you keeping count and wondering where I got 3, I was a dual major at IUP - BS in Music Ed + BFA in Voice Performance = 2 degrees + MM in Voice Performance/Pedagogy, Pedagogy emphasis from Westminster Choir College hopefully coming this May = 3 potential degrees)

I mean seriously, who needs to be this stinking educated? And the half of it is that the more education I receive, the more stupid I feel. #truth

 This is such an interesting place to be, at this time, for I have never, ever in my entire life not known what I wanted to do and not had a plan. It bothers me more than it should, because when it all comes down to it I know that the Lord has incredible plans for me, plans that He will reveal at precisely the right moment and not a second sooner. And if you know me, not having a color-coded bullet list of my life plan drives me up the wall.

At the moment however, it is driving me closer and closer to the Lord, which is precisely where I need to be at such a confusing and uncertain time! It almost makes me laugh, because most days I find myself perusing facebook and seeing so many of my friends "growing up" ... getting engaged, getting married, starting families, and the like and here am I... still. in. school. And so me, being the emotional girl I am, find myself desperately wondering when I will get to be that girl - getting engaged, getting married, starting a family... I wind up green with envy! When instead of drooling over getting married, I need to be drooling over what in the world I'm going to do when I graduate! Rather, what in the world I'm going to do with all of these degrees! lol!

As I spend more time in the Word, praying and praying and praying about this uncertainty, I find myself coming to be more and more at peace with just merely recognizing the fact that it is completely out of my hands anyway. All I have to do is keep on keepin' on, working hard, and continually seeking the Lord, and He will reveal to me where it is He has me in this next chapter of life. I can't imagine - to not be a student? This is going to be so weird... but in a good way! :)

The more I spend my time thinking about it, the more I find myself utterly confused about what it is I actually want to do. Singing was never a reality before, but now it is a possibility? I'm talented enough according to what I've been told from those in my life at school to possibly do something with it? Do I want to?

Honestly? I have no idea.

I love singing. Adore it. Quite a bit. Obviously. But to center my entire identity, my life, my career around it? Whew. That scares me!

I love teaching with a passion - and I absolutely adore those silly high school students. So stinking much! But do I want to teach and not sing? Do I want to sing and teach just lessons?

Man, I could use a guidance counselor about now. And I'll be playing this plethora of questions all semester long, as May creeps closer and closer! It's such a unique place to be. I could give in to the anxiety, the fear, the uncertainty, and just become more of a hot mess than usual LOL... but I'm earnestly hoping and praying that the Lord will use this opportunity to help nudge me into leaning more into Him... to fully rely on Him in every moment of every day - not just in the big things. And to be more receptive to His plan for my life, instead of my own "perfect" plan. After all, He Himself is the perfect counselor! That doesn't mean it's going to be easy, just all happiness and flowers all the time, but it gives me hope... hope to believe that without a shadow of a doubt my Father has me completely taken care of, no matter what I do or how badly I may screw up. Because after all, who am I? I am the daughter of the King of Kings - and my Father will most assuredly take care of His princess, just as He promises to in His Word! And nothing is too difficult for the Lord... even my over-complicated, confusing, uncertain, debt-full, and crazy life. :)

It's going to be an interesting ride this semester, that's for sure. You know, I've been thinking about "How do I know that what God says in His Word is true? Why do I believe in Him? And put my hope and trust in my Savior, Jesus Christ, His Son?" Well, I don't have a beautiful and well-scripted answer. All I know is simply that He is good. His love is all around. Every single place I turn, I see the fingerprints of God. I know that I know that I know that I know that He is who He says He is - and that He exists. Without a shadow of a doubt. I don't just believe aimlessly or naively that God is God, without giving it second thought. I have experienced Him and His perfect, selfless, and incredible love, grace, and mercy. My entire time in grad school - this whole experience - it is woven together seamlessly because of Him. He is everywhere in the past year and a half of this adventure! And it's because of Him that it was even possible in the first place. And that's just a short two years of my entire life, where if you put the chapters together, you literally see Him jump off the page! Just because you can't see Him as a tangible, living being doesn't mean that He isn't - because oh man is He ever alive! It's not about just believing, it's about wholeheartedly and passionately trusting that the Lord will follow through on His promises. It goes from 'Whoo! God's got this, I'm off the hook,' to 'Wow, I am completely humbled by the way that He so perfectly takes care of me... how can I serve Him? What can I do while I wait on Him?' ... the answers aren't simple, and even though I know who I am in Christ and what is promised to me as a result of that identity, I can't just sit back and wait twiddling my thumbs. It's quite a position... because on one hand yes, it is as simple as believing and saying "Okay God, You've got this," but it's not nearly that simple on the other hand because one can't just sit back and passively lounge around expecting God to put all the puzzle pieces in place.

I feel like I'm talking in circles now... And I'm finally starting to wind down from the craziness of the day - and I'm praying for some incredible sleep tonight to help ward off this illness. So I'll stop with my late night soapbox. :) It's just quite incredible to me, to look at just what the Lord has accomplished in my life over the past year and a half, nearly two years... where He's taken me, what He's done in my life, how He's interceded for me, how He's challenged me and helped me grow in Him, etc. He is everywhere. I love Him. And I am so thankful that He has given me such an opportunity and a position to serve Him even more, and especially while I wait - while I wait to grow up and get married, and while I wait to grow up and figure out what it is He's calling me to do with this life He's so graciously given me. Wow! I am just overwhelmed with how blessed I truly am. Thank You, Lord! <3

Who am I? I'm just a young lady - trying to finally finish school, figure out what this world has to offer me, follow the Lord in all I do, and serve Him with every fiber of my being while I wait for Him to fulfill all of my hopes and dreams. Because He will. He's just that marvelous!

Taste and see that the LORD is good. Oh, the joys of those who take refuge in him! 
- Psalm 34:8
Is anything too hard for the Lord? - Genesis 18:14
 Your Father knows exactly what you need, even before you ask Him. 
- Matthew 6:8