Sunday, March 3, 2013

In the face of one giant mountain...

My Father wants me to leap into His arms with joy... 

My Father loves me.

... My Father WANTS me.

Wow.


I'm completely overwhelmed by this. Tonight's message was one of the most overwhelming, yet beautiful and so incredibly hard to get through messages I've ever heard. You know, just yesterday I was making my invitations for my recital... and by sheer coincidence (or not...) happened to come across my invitation list for such life events, not even sure I had it here with me in NJ. Then I was going down the list and came across Grandma's name. And man, I just cried like a baby. I didn't realize how much I missed her, or how much my heart still hurts from the loss of her last year. I can hardly type that without breaking down in tears - whew. And to think about the emotional roller-coaster that the past two years have been, but in particular last spring and everything that had to do with Grandma Flo. Holy moley, talk about rough. 


And then, after having been thinking about Grandma and all of the mess that lies in that, I go to church tonight and there's a "Daddy" message? So NOT prepared for that. Seriously, Lord? I mean... You could have thought about that better... 


Oh, wait. You did.


It's always astounding to me just how much He really wants to get this through my thick skull - how He is my Father, He will never leave me, He loves me - unconditionally... I mean, the list goes on and on. I find it sad that in my mere fleshly - my severely selfish ways, that I eventually always wind up distrusting my heavenly Father - confusing His characteristics with the characteristics of my earthly father. I know better. But it's as if it's my default button. Men = bad. Fathers = worse. My father = the worst. That's the subconscious train of thought that I seem to follow, unbeknownst to me until that moment ... moments like tonight ... where the Lord slaps me to wake me up and bring me back to Him. 


Tonight, the sermon talked about living as an orphan versus living as a son/daughter of the Father. While I know how to be a daughter, because I have the most incredible mother in the entire world - one who isn't just my mom, but my dad ... two for the price of one! (not to mention my best friend) - I realize that I have absolutely no idea how to be a daughter who lets her dad have her unending love, trust, and compassion. One who turns her life and her heart and herself over to her father, just as she does with her mother. And every time I think I'm truly doing so with my Father, I really am only on the surface level. And tonight, He broke down my walls and tugged on my heartstrings.


And, hello there's another slap from the Lord. Ever so gently of course, through the beautiful Holy Spirit. But - really. I need slapped for that! 


It's no wonder I feel like the hot mess I am. One of the characteristics of living as an orphan, with a self mindset, is this feeling of inadequacy. And this may come as a surprise to some of you... not... but I absolutely just feel like the most inadequate human being on the face of the planet. When I was younger, I used to feel this inadequacy with the weight as heavy as a ton of bricks in relation to my dad - I wasn't pretty enough, I wasn't skinny enough, I wasn't perfect enough, I wasn't good enough, I wasn't smart enough, I wasn't kind enough, fill-in-the-blank enough... for him to love me enough to stay. I battled with that idea for all too long - and it bled over into every area of my life, causing me to form a really skewed and messed up image of myself in light of all of it. One where I honestly couldn't believe GOD would even want to take time out of His obviously busy schedule, taking care of EVERYONE, to want anything to do with me.


Holy moley. And you mean to tell me that He is chasing after me? He loves me so much He sent HIS Son to take my place? He wants me to jump into His arms with joy? To run to Him... always? 


HELLO, TRUTH!


And that I am good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, and the like to be His daughter? But wait, there's no qualifications? I don't have to fill out an application? He loves me no matter what? 


... no matter WHAT?


That completely changed my entire life, when I realized that. And not just that HE wants me, that HE loves me, and that HE wants me to run to Him... but that He's not just this far away God in Heaven? He's HERE? He's by my side? I can have a relationship with Him? That He DELIGHTS in me... always? Now? Tomorrow? Twenty years from now? 


Again. Mind. Blown.


HOW can I not taste and see that He is good? That His Word is true, and He will keep His promises for all of time? 


Lord, I am overwhelmed by You.

And by Your love for me.

I'm so silly. I get myself so wound up, so distressed, so discouraged because I feel so INADEQUATE ... but those are just lies that the enemy is filling my head with. And it's influencing me to act like an orphan instead of the loved daughter of God that I am. Instead of leaning on Him, breaking free of these chains and this discouragement... this fear and anxiety... I let it run rampant. 


Well buddy, no more.


From here on out life continues to be ridiculously insane until I, Lord-willing, graduate in May. I must buckle in and hunker down for the most incredibly difficult three months of my young life thus far. Everything is game on now, and there is no turning back. Here's a tiny checklist... My GIANT mountain...


3/7: Whole Opshop scene memorized

3/13: Sing in Perf class... better get to memorizing my recital music
3/14: French Mélodie exam
3/15: Another audition
3/27: ORALS... ORALS... ORALS
4/something: Williamson concert
4/23: OpShop performance
5/5: RECITAL
5/17: GRADUATION

... And that's not even including trying to fit work, homework assignments, reading, and GROCERY shopping in there. OH and laundry and cleaning. You laugh, but I've been so busy I haven't been to the grocery store for a month! I just can't handle any of this... AND HELLO MY ORALS ARE THIS MONTH AND I FEEL SO ILL-EQUIPPED. 


I'm so incredibly overwhelmed - with school, with life, with what comes next (hello - I have no idea where I will go after May... that's another fear in and of itself) and the list could go on and on... I wrote this plea on my facebook the other day "So incredibly overwhelmed... Lord, please help me use these moments to turn being overwhelmed by circumstances, workloads, and the like over to instead being overwhelmed with You - Your love, grace, and mercy that will continue to carry me through all the aforementioned worries and stresses. I am literally only going to make it through these next few months due to the strength I receive from You." 


The Lord has seen me through every single step of the way thus far. I have no reason to believe He won't carry me through this semester also. I mean, honestly - if it weren't for Him I wouldn't even be here. Every single step of this degree has been a testimony to His unending grace and mercy. He does have a purpose for me. I just need to literally cling to Him as if I am His little girl, which I am... trusting He will never, ever leave my side.


So tonight, I really needed that major slap in the face. So that I will finally stop treating my heavenly Father like my deadbeat earthly father who doesn't know how to love me. Because my heavenly Father knows how to lavish me with His perfect love. I just have to open my arms and receive it. 


I have to boldly declare that in the name of Jesus, I am a beautiful, marvelous, princess and daughter of the King. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God made me just how He wanted me to be - and He knows just how to walk with me through this scary, uncertain, difficult, and stressful time. Because on the other side of this craziness is more beauty than I can ever imagine.


Lately, I've been so bad at reserving my heart for the Lord. On a completely unrelated note, and random really, I see everyone around me in relationships - getting engaged, getting married, happy with someone else that they've entrusted their heart, their love, and themselves to. I'm twenty-four years old, and in this culture it seems "wrong" to not be in a relationship, to not be preparing for the next step, to be alone. I'm constantly trying to find someone to give my heart to - trying to do my hair, do my makeup, look as skinny and "pretty" (whatever that is) as I can, so that I won't miss my chance... because sometimes I'm truly afraid I've missed finding my husband. And if you're a girl in particular, I KNOW you know what I'm talking about! hahaha! Instead of guarding my heart, giving it solely to the Lord, I'm trying so hard to "do all the right things" so someday soon I won't have to pay someone to marry me.


"... Uhm, Jessica - that's about the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard." I know that's just what the Lord is thinking right now. And He's stifling back laughter at me, at my poor pathetic antics to try to convince someone I'm WORTHY to be loved.


Which all goes back to the crux of it all - and of where the message from church tonight took me ... I am worthy. I am so worthy of love, that Christ died to bring me a love I can never fully understand. And instead of trying to give my heart away to the next man that comes walking around the corner, I need to give it to God, and Him alone. 


All I need is You, Lord. 


If I learn nothing else in this life, and if I have nothing left to share, it all comes back to this - all I need is Him... that's what matters. He makes us whole. He holds our hands every step of the way, He carries us when we can't stand on our own two feet. He desperately wants us to come to Him, to pick up our burdens for us, and to steadfastly shower us with His forgiveness, love, mercy, and grace. 


It's amazing, isn't it? That we can be so messed up in our own little ways, but when it comes back to the Lord, all that is pushed aside and out of mind. 


Are you willing enough to step out of your "identity" box... to put aside who you say you are, and to accept rather who GOD says you are?


I won't make it through this looming giant mountain of finishing school on my own. It's literally impossible. But with Christ on my side, by my side, holding me up when I can't do it on my own, before I know it all the troubles will be over. And I will be celebrating the culmination of two years' worth of stepping out in faith and watching the Lord never cease to amaze me, never cease to take care of me, and never cease to bring me over, around, and through my mountains. 


I don't really know where this whole post started, or if I've kind of even coherently summed up one thought, but this is just a montage of everything that's been rolling around in my heart the last week... and that ran down my cheeks in tears tonight during church. Jesus is alive. And His heart aches for you more than you will ever know. It's astounding. It's amazing. It's quite literally unbelievable. And yet, if you let Him, He will saturate your life and every fiber of your being with Himself - and you will come to wonder how you could ever be so silly as to question Him, His presence, His truth, or His love for even a shadow of a second.



If you got nothing else from these random ramblings, know this:
God is good... all of the time.

"Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see— how good God is.
Blessed are you who run to Him." 
- Psalm 34:8, The Message


Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
    you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!
    Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
    I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
    you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
    how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
    all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
    before I’d even lived one day.
- Psalm 139:13-16, The Message



*If you, like I, struggle with forgiveness - of self, of others, in any capacity - I highly suggest you take the $10-$15 and get this book, read this book, and soak in the honest to goodness truth of the healing power and unending love of our Savior, our Maker, our Lord. It changed my life, re-ignited my relationship with the Lord, and inspired and encouraged me to earnestly and honestly bring my struggles with forgiveness to Him, to my Father who loves me and who wants to take away the hurt and replace it with joy. Suzie is an incredible woman who is such a treasure, who knows the Lord and who seeks to share His wonderful love with us all, women and men alike. I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to read this book firsthand last year, as she was working to finalize this beautiful project, and I cannot tell you enough how much it brought me back to the Lord every moment of every day. Do yourself a favor, and unburden your heart. The Unburdened Heart, Suzie Eller

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

2 comments:

  1. Thank you so so much for this. I was about to go to sleep for the night but then saw your link to this post on facebook and clicked on it as the last thing to do before shutting down my laptop... and boy, did I need to hear it (or, read it? lol)

    THANK YOU for reminding me of God's love for each and every one of us, including YOU and including ME!
    :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous, thank YOU. So precious. If I knew who you were, I'd reserve a hug just for you.

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