Lord,
There are so many thoughts rolling through my head right now. I can't even really truly comprehend anything at this point. I need to be studying for my Voice Ped test tomorrow and perhaps working on the rough draft for my MUHI Seminar that's due tomorrow night of which I've only written a thesis and an introduction... but I am so overwhelmed by school that I literally feel like I can't breathe. How did everything get to be such a mess?
I have been reading and studying all weekend for the Ped test, and I feel like I know nothing still. I keep re-reading the readings, and going over my notes, and yet I still feel completely lost. I am so afraid of being wrong, of not doing well, of not getting an A. My grades make me who I am... at least, in some part of my mind I believe this. Who am I? I'm Jess Hann. I get really good grades, and everyone who knows me knows that I am an "A" student. I'm not the most attractive girl, and certainly far from thin, but none of that matters. I get good grades, I graduated from IUP Summa Cum Laude, and to not get As on everything and for every class in Grad School is a disgrace.
And yet, I'm so much more. I've let getting good grades turn into what I worship, instead of You, Father. I've let myself become completely obsessed with the idea that if I don't get an A then I'm a failure, I'm not good enough. I let it control me, this obsession with having to be "perfect," because if I'm not then not even You will want me. I'm overwhelmed and overtaken by anxiety, so much that I can't focus. I can cry, and that's pretty much all I'm good at anymore.
Father, I detest New Jersey. I have been nothing but miserable since I've been here - so sick all year, extremely homesick, struggling to keep up with all of my work, barely able to work enough to pay my bills or meet my ideal (and pathetic) ten hours a week, and completely overwhelmed. I started this year living in a situation that made me question whether or not I was a good person or not, and continually played mind games with me, and left me wondering whether it was really an answer to my prayers from You or not. It was the most wretched living situation I've ever been in, and I know You know that I've had some not so hot living situations at IUP. And yet, I continued to stick it out even when I didn't want to, because I knew this was where You wanted me to be.
I've been living on the outside like everything is okay - everything is perfect because I love You, and You love me, and You have brought me here so there's no reason to worry or fret or be upset. And yet, inside I'm a mess, Lord. Why have You let me be here in the midst of this mess? I'm so miserable, I'm so lonely, and I absolutely have no idea what's going on inside my head half the time. Is this really what You have for me? For me to be here, so unhappy, but yet trying to stay the course because You have showed me time and time again that this is what You have for me? I just don't understand, Lord. I'm desperate, Father. I need to know what You have for me here, why You brought me here of all places. I was so comfortable in Indiana, so happy among my church family, my friends, and my students. I wish every single day I was back there. Life made sense. You were there, holding me together, holding my hand and leading my steps.
I know You're here, too, Lord. But I can't feel You anymore. I am so bogged down by everything going on, especially my schoolwork, and the lack of my ability to keep up with it, that I can't feel You holding me together - I don't feel Your hand in mine. I can see You moving here, and I hear You speak to me through my amazing friends, like Carola, and especially at Bible Study, but I am so lost here when I'm not surrounded by them. I go to school now with people who don't know You, people who don't immerse themselves in Your Word, and Your Spirit... people who mock me for being so hungry for You. Just last week, because I made a simple comment about how the words that someone used made my insides crawl, how they were offensive, I was told that "Of course - you're holier than the rest of us, I forgot." I am ridiculed for loving You, and not just loving You, but projecting Your love to everyone around me. I'm just that "Jesus girl" who gets made fun of when I leave the table, after I've bowed my head to ask You to bless my meal, or when I've shared that it's because of You that I can even roll out of bed in the morning anymore. Every day I feel like I'm screaming at the top of my lungs, Father. Are You here? Are You holding onto me?
Through the trials and the sufferings that I'm finding here, I've found it so difficult to calm my thoughts, and calm my nerves, and just rest and live in Your perfect provision and peace that You have freely given me. Even though I know You're here. You're here more than I know! Lord, You have gotten me through every difficult step, every trial, every test, every encounter here. Without You, I am nothing. Literally. You literally hold me together. And yet I've been such a typical self-centered, self-involved child... ignoring You and Your love over and over and over again.
Lord, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that I continue to walk through this place upset and angry with You for bringing me here. I've met some of the most amazing people I'll ever meet here, and made some of the most important friendships that I could have ever asked for. I've been able to perform with some incredible musicians, and given more opportunities to perform with spectacular vocalists, orchestras, and in the most incredible venues, the world over. And I've only been able to do all of this because You have blessed me with the opportunities to do so!
I'm desperate for You, Father. Desperate for You to help me break this hold that the enemy has on me, this miserable and lonely life I've been walking in. I am so thankful, Lord, that You have put in my life the people who You know I need to help me cling to You, and to point me back to You every time I step off the path. Just tonight during church at NCC, when You spoke through Tim straight to me about living a life without conditions - living a life where serving You is the center, and the goal, and not anything else.
All I have been doing here is living a life full of conditions and making bargains with You, Lord. I'll stay here if You help me pass this test... I'll maybe be happy here if You don't take my best friend away... I'll be happy here if I can sing well... if if if if if! Lord! When I did stop trusting You and start haggling You???
I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll never do quite well enough to make it through this degree. I'm scared that even if I somehow, by Your grace alone, finish, that I'll never find a job. Or that I'll never really be happy - what if I don't get married? What if I don't ever get any thinner than I am now? What if I'll never truly be beautiful? What if you take me somewhere I'm not comfortable? Like now? In New Jersey? What am I supposed to do?
What IF I could stop all these absurd mind games, and just pour every ounce of my being into Your arms? So that You may calm my fears, and wash away the anxiety, and fill my cup with Your grace? Oh Father. I am so sorry that I have been so concerned with trying to do everything on my own, without Your help. Hellbent on succeeding on my own power, with my own means of doing so, without stopping to ask You to help me. I've been so used to doing things on my own - because the past shows me just how few people I can truly trust, right? I mean, come on. I have a knack for allowing people to use me and abuse me and leave me to put the pieces back together myself. Instead of putting that behind, and instead of leaving it at the foot of the Cross, I keep carrying that in my back pocket. "Well Jessica, you know so and so didn't want anything to do with you because you're really not good enough, and nothing you ever do will make you good enough." No WONDER I am so obsessed with this idea of perfection. I'm so afraid that because of me, because of something I've done, that these people have hurt me. That I'm the problem.
And so I've brought that persona to New Jersey, too. Well, I'm the problem. I'm not smart enough. I'm not pretty enough. I don't sing well enough. I definitely don't teach as well as so and so, and I really have no idea what they're talking about in class yet I masquerade around thinking that I do. Father! I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry that instead of trusting that Your grace is sufficient enough for me, that my identity comes from YOU and You alone, I have let myself believe some diddly squat lie that the enemy has been whispering to me all year long!
Oh Lord, You have promised to keep me through this. Keep me in Your hand, resting and living this life You've blessed me with happy. Happy and trusting You every step of the way. I let myself get so bogged down, and instead of truly giving it all over to You, I hold on to it and try to control every single part of it. But You promised to take care of it all for me. You know better! All I have to do is come to You, trusting, that You will carry me every single step of the way.
Thank You. Thank You for letting me be angry, and for letting me come to You, telling You every little thing, even though You already know it. Thank You for never leaving me, even though I've let myself live too long here believing that I'm alone. You have every single second here planned for my benefit, and I know that I will make it as long as I keep myself buried in You and in Your Word. You've never let me go. And You never will. New Jersey or not. And I let myself too easily forget that. Lord, hold on to me so tight that my cheeks turn blue. I need You. Meet me here, Father. I can't do this alone. I've tried all year to keep going on my own strength, and I've snapped under the pressure. It's impossible to do this without You. I thought I was meeting You here, and I thought I was relying on You, but Father, I wasn't anywhere close to letting You lead me. I was still putting conditions on everything! How could I let myself fall into that trap? Wow.
Father, I'm overwhelmed by the love You continue to pour out to me, even though I have continued to walk around without fully recognizing it. Instead I've been so obsessed with being so completely unhappy, uncomfortable, and miserable here in New Jersey. And if I would have just stopped for a moment, and let Your voice speak to me, I would have heard You. I would have felt You holding me together, in the midst of the storm.
And You have, Lord - kept me together in the middle of this storm. I will do better from here forward to recognize You in every moment of every day, instead of when it's convenient for me on the weekend, or at lunch. And I will rest knowing that even though I'm not comfortable, and that I'm especially not convenienced by this grad school experience, that I'm able to serve You even more than ever because of it. If I was comfortable and so happy all the time, then would I really need You? You're using this to show me just how faithful You are, Lord! How tight You really do have ahold of me and of my crazy whirlwind of a life. Wow. You continually fill me with Your Spirit, because there is absolutely no way I could have made it this long without You!
Thank You, Lord. And my precious Jesus - I love You. I'm learning, slowly but surely, to drown out the thoughts and the misleading beliefs that the enemy likes to throw my way. I had a minor major meltdown tonight, tears and all. And I think most of it was that I just feel so lonely, I know You're here, and that You haven't left me alone one bit all year long, but yet I let myself get so engrossed in the obsessions of my grades, and school, and this and that, that I simply let it all overwhelm You in my life - not that it overwhelms You, but that I let all of that overwhelm my recognition of You.
You are the glue that holds me together. Literally.
I may not understand what I'm doing here, or why You felt it necessary to bring me to this specific place, and suffer through the heartaches that I have here, but Lord, I know that You have a purpose for me. A plan. One that is GOOD. And I surrender it all to You, Father. What You have for me, Lord, I'm here and I'm ready and willing to take it all. I can do it, I can do it because I have Jesus on my side. I can't even begin to understand the depths of Your Love. All I know is that I am so thankful that You make me beautiful. You make me whole. You fill me with love, and let me share that love with others.
I know this rant started off because I was angry and upset, and it probably doesn't even make sense the whole way through it. But Lord, You know where I am. What I'm going through, and what I need to say to You. I know that You have made sense of it all. It started as a desperate cry for help, Father. For You to help me make sense of it all, of the mess that I find myself in constantly here. And it's ending praising You, thanking You, and loving You for sharing Your glorious love with me. And for letting me curl up in Your lap here, and cry and scream and pull my hair out trying to understand it all, while ever so gently wrapping Your arms around me and pouring out Your love to fill the darkness with Your light.
I love You so much, Father.
