I've had moments, particularly all weekend long this weekend, where I have thought to myself "Man, Jess, you could be home - subbing, working another job, paying off debt instead of accruing more, maybe you would have even snagged a job for this year if you had looked..." instead of being here, stressed to the max, confused as ever, and just doing what I can to "get by."
... And then I realize the absurdity of those remarks! And stop for just a second realize what it is I'm actually gaining here - other than more massive amounts of debt, I'm gaining invaluable experience, lessons, education, and the list goes on and on! I can't even begin to tell you truly how incredibly blessed I am through this experience. Yes, it's been ridiculously hard on multiple levels, but it's also been so precious. I was listening to a sermon series from Mars Hill Church on the book of Esther this past week while I was working, and Pastor Mark Driscoll reminded me that "Oftentimes, our opportunity for spiritual growth is in the most difficult seasons of life." Talk about a slap in the face! Duh, Jessica. That's why I've been here, going through what I've gone through since the moment I stepped foot in this place called the armpit! :) I can't even begin to describe to you just how much I've grown in the past two years - and most importantly, grown spiritually. This year I feel though like I've been running a race since school began. No time to do much of anything, let alone what I'm supposed to be getting done! And last week, in the stress that was "the week after Sandy," I felt like I was going to snap. I'm sure most of those who read these silly ramblings of mine saw my facebook status from a week ago, but for those who haven't (aka-Grammy!<3) here is what I came to realize:
Last night, I came home from church and sat on
my bed working on homework when "Reason to Sing" by All Sons &
Daughters came on my Pandora station. It brought me to tears... it's
exactly everything that's going through my thoughts lately. I sat in my
room begging the Lord to give me a reason to sing - to help calm the
storm that's been raging inside. This morning, I bring my computer down
to the kitchen and turn on K-Love while
making breakfast and getting my lunch together. They were talking with
some guests and then out of nowhere "Search My Heart" by Hillsong comes
on. I stopped dead in my tracks. That song is my reason to sing - when I
was student teaching, about every other day, that song was on K-Love on
my way home from school. It's one of my most favorite songs in the
world. Not just because it's incredible but it sweetly takes me back to
the semester that changed my life, when the Lord grabbed hold of me and
became more than just "God," but enveloped me in His arms and let me see
who He really is, and in turn who I am. And this morning it filled me
with "Holy Spirit Goosebumps" and a plethora of tears. Just when I felt
like I was so incredibly far away from the Lord, there He is. Meeting me
in my kitchen over pumpkin spice coffee... and reminding me of my
reason to sing - Him. ♥
Talk about one of those major crazy "God-cidences" ... as I've come to learn it be called from a sweet girl I met at Christian Fellowship - there's nothing as a "coincidence," there's only a "God-cidence." Last week that was just crazy awesome, totally everything I had felt deprived of so long - I found myself running around so crazy (practically like a chicken with my head cut off) and kept the Lord in a neat little box, and wasn't making the time I needed to for Him! Here I was standing around feeling left behind, kind of lost around here in the good ol'armpit, when in reality He was right here the whole time trying to slap me into focus! In that same sermon I was listening to last week, there was also a time when Pastor Driscoll said "God is not a Father who walks out on His kids - He's ALWAYS there!" Truth. He's been here nudging me the whole time. I, on the other hand, instead of having been obedient have just merely been tolerant. I got comfortable enough, and just kept going through the motions. Blech! I don't ever want to just "go through the motions," and yet somehow that's what I've been allowing myself to do this entire semester. No more, I tell you, no more! I shall stop letting life just happen, and instead live obediently where the Lord has called me. I tell ya - it's in these moments He really could just reach down and slap me, and I wouldn't protest!
I know I'm just a mere 24 years of age, but it's so funny to me how complacent I become - how much I can let myself "live in the past," and let things just "happen." It's hard not to some days, but it would be so much more beneficial to be thankful in the moments we're blessed with each day, rather than think about days gone by! Yes, I will never for the life of me ever be able to replace the most beautiful, marvelous, magical, and life-changing moments and days spent at IUP... and I know, as far as I'm concerned, nothing will compare. However, that season has come and gone! Time to keep my eyes peeled open forward, ahead of me and the race set before me, to remain obedient where the Lord has brought me, and to love this crazy, wonderful, scary, and uncertain life He's blessed me with.
I'm slowly counting down the days until Thanksgiving break of course [8 days! 8 days!] and I can't wait to go spend the time with my family at home, tucked away in my own bed. But I will remind myself to slap a silly smile on and return to this place where I've been called by the Lord Himself happily, rejoicing that He's blessed me with this life to live for Him. It's hard right now, to not get bogged down in just being tolerant, when every day I'm faced with the fact that we're getting one step closer to bringing this Grad School adventure to a close... and then what? I honestly have no idea. What do I want to do? Move home. Sub. Look for a job. Be comfortable. What do I think the Lord will call me to do? Remain comfortably un-comfortable... stay somewhere near this area, continue to study, and teach lessons in the area. It's the most frightening realization in the world, because I have no idea where I would live, how I would make enough money to sustain the debt I will have to start paying back, let alone enough money to sustain everyday life, etc. It's so frightening, and I let myself get bogged down in that unknown, that fear, that confusion.
However, either way, the Lord has it all worked out. And as long as I continue to be obedient and follow Him wholeheartedly and passionately, instead of halfheartedly and lukewarmly, He will bring to fruition the plan He has known all along. And the one that, when I try to put my bitty hands in the process and think I know best and figure it out, that He just sits back and laughs at me for thinking I "know best." I'm telling you - He's got the best sense of humor. Ever! After all, He made me! :) hehe!
Whew. Life is crazy. But I do love it. And! I survived another hurricane unscathed. That's certainly something to stop and be thankful for! Also, I got to spend Saturday with my FAMILY!!! Mom, Nin, and Kate came to meet me at the Park City Mall in Lancaster, and it was SO MUCH FUN! Literally we were there all day, and yet couldn't even make it through all the mall! It was insane! Huge! Awesome! So much fun! Man. I love those crazy ladies! ;)
Well. I must be getting along here. Lots of lesson plans to make, and lessons to review, and a plethora of work to do thereafter! But we're almost there. Semester 3 is almost over. And then we're into the last one! I never thought last year at this time - literally last November, the month of insanity, where I got so deathly ill, moved out of the crazy house, went to NYC, sang Brahms with the Philadelphia Orchestra, came so close to throwing in the towel - never once did I truly think I was going to make it to this point. As far as I was concerned, it was a fun ride and I was done with grad school. And then the Lord slapped me across the face when He seamlessly made it so that my GPA didn't drop so low that I wouldn't lose my scholarship because I had to take that incomplete, and He sent me right back ready to fight and discover why He brought me here in the first place. Well, I'm still not completely sure of the why, but I know enough in my mere 24 years to close my eyes, thank Him for the life He's given me, and trust Him wholeheartedly without a shadow of a doubt, knowing full well that He will carry me through every single thing the enemy tries to trip me up with as I walk obediently in what the Lord has called me to. Close my eyes, thank Him, and keep on keepin' on.
As I leave you with what has been another silly rambling of mine, I will share with you my prayer for the week: Lord, help me to live in a manner in which people would be drawn to You because of how they see me behave and live in the life that You have blessed me with. Not merely making it through, tolerating what I've been given, but obediently living with a passion for You that may never be extinguished, no matter the circumstances that surround me.
Here are some pics of the last few weeks! I know most of you have probably seen them scoured all over facebook, but in case you haven't, enjoy! :) Love you all so much! Thank you for all the prayers, love, and hugs. <3
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| Chels, Katie, and I with our pumpkins we made when I went home in October! :) |
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| Beautiful friends and ladies! :) |
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| This is how I survived without heat/power during Sandy... and I was STILL cold!!! |
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| Beautiful! Park City Mall! |
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| NINNY! :) |
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| I love this picture more than anything. <3 |
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| Sissy! :) :) |
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| Best friends. Best family. #blessed <3 |
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| This is one of the best pictures in the world! |
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| Sissy and I built bears for Christmas! I know, we're twenty-somethings, but hey. You're never too old to build a bear! ;) |
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| Lub my Momma! <3 |
Blessed be the Lord, my rock,
who trains my hands for war,
and my fingers for battle;
He is my steadfast love and my fortress,
my stronghold and my deliverer,
my shield and he in whom I take refuge,
who subdues peoples under me.
- Psalm 144:1-2 (ESV)
